I haven't written lately.

I think I have run out of words.

Which is a strange feeling for me, because I tend to be a very verbal processor.

But lately I am tired, and weary, and I just feel like there aren't words anymore.

Like everything I feel goes so so far beyond any words I have to describe it.

Its not that I don't have people who are willing to listen. People who care about me and love me and worry about me.

But I just feel like it doesn't matter.... No matter what I say it is just words and it doesn't change anything.

And I just feel overwhelmed and like I hate so many things.

I hate everything that is happening with Matt.

I hate that I feel like I have no control over any of this.

I hate that I cant just fix this.

I hate that I question myself and doubt and wonder if I am just being dramatic and I feel like everything I say and do just makes everything worse.

I hate that a protection order is just a piece of paper and only really means something if he obeys it.

I hate that he uses God to justify his actions.

I hate that he thinks I am promised to him, and he makes me feel like I have no say in it.

I hate that he hurts me, and even more so, I hate that I have allowed him to do it.


I hate that I am afraid of him. I hate that when I drive to my house I wonder if he is going to be there, and when I am home alone I worry that he will show up and when my dog barks at night I think that its him.

and most of all I hate that I so could have stopped all this if I had just listened to people six years ago when they told me that this would happen. Or any time during the past six years when he hit me or shoved me or called me names or threatened me. I could have walked away so many times. And I didn't.

I hate that I believed in love more then I believed in truth.

and I hate that this is all just consequence for those choices.

and there are a million other reasons why I feel overwhelmed. Ministry is hard and living in the bottoms is hard and counseling is hard and life is hard...

And I am ok. Really I am. I am fine. I just don't have words anymore.