True desperation.

Its a funny feeling, truly getting to the point where you have exhausted your own efforts and nothing you do seems to make a difference or change anything.

There is almost a peace that comes from knowing that you are trying your very best, and all your efforts to cope fall short.

At the moment you throw up your hands and hit your knees and beg God to do something, anything because you cant make it through another minute without him, you find He is right there waiting.

The other day I woke up completely overwhelmed.

Matt had come over the night before and I was so angry and overwhelmed.

I had worked 61 hours that week and I scheduled to work two jobs that day.

And everything just seemed to be falling apart around me.

I laid in my bed and started to cry.

And I told God that everything was too much. That I seriously didn't think I could get out the bed without Him.

I NEEDED Him. I needed to know that above all else and despite anything else He was still good and in control. I needed to know that even when I felt faithless that He would be faithful.

I couldn't even get out of the bed and face the day without him.

And while it is hard to start the day in tears, there is such an intimacy that comes with desperation.

So while things have been emotionally and physically and spiritually hard, in some ways I wouldn't trade it.

Because I know more about myself and my weakness, and more about God and His strength than I ever have before.

and that is total desperation like I never knew... But is changing me like I never thought possible.