I have been horrible updating my blog... I have been horrible at communication in general.

I noticed yesterday that all my recent posts have involved someone elses words... and I know I need courage to find my own words...

This is my attempt.

My roommate Amy gave me a journal last night.

It is just a yellow notebook... and on the front in white writing is a single word... courage.

Courage... both appropiate and ironic.

I sat last night in the darkness of my room and watched my clock change numbers. Finally at two am I got up and wrote.

I need to write, to see my life in black and white, to organize the thoughts in my head into words and sentences, to bring some sense of order to the chaos.

I dont sleep anymore. I cant make the thoughts stop long enough to find some sense of peace. When I close my eyes I see him, somehow etched into the blackness of my mind.

I see his eyes, both angry and pleading, wanting me to love him back. Every angry touch and wispered word floods my mind and fills the emptiness with a life all its own.

And last night in desperation to fill the darkness I found the courage to write.

I am angry.

And I am afraid.

Not just of him, although every noise and every shadow takes on new meaning now... but I am afraid of myself.

I cant do this much longer. And while time should make things easier, heal wounds, and allow me to forget it does not.

I feel like i am drowning.

And I want to scream at everyone who knows me "cant you see... can't you see me standing in front of you... dont you see me drowning"

But the reality is I dont scream.... I get up and force myself out of bed. And I smile at everyone who loves me and I tell them I am fine and I angrily push away their love and their desire to help. And then I feel alone.

Then I feel like I am drowning.

"Too drama, too high maitnence, and so not worth it..." That is what an old friend said once after coming to visit me..

Thoes words roll around in my head now as people I I love drift away, take breaks, and struggle with loving me.

I know it would be easier if I was honest. And I hate myself for pretending... for laughing like I am not dying inside. But I do laugh, and I get up and I go to work and sit in the sunshine and and go to the store and live my life like it hasnt been stolen from me. And with every concearned question and look and touch my answer is always the same...

but the truth is no matter how many times a day I tell myself and others that I am fine, it is still a lie... because I am not fine at all... and part of me doubts I ever will have the courage to be again.

So there you have it. In my own words... I feel like I am drowning..

and I just need to make sense of that chaos that is in my mind...

I need to write.



...so this is what it feels like to drown.
to just give into the pain...
to give into the night...
to let you win...

do you know how long the night is...
do you know that my life was changed
forever
with the touch of your hand.

do you know that I still feel you...
that every sound
movement
unexpected touch
is a child's "bump in the night,"
reminders of you.
reminders of how quickly things change.

do you know I still see your face above mine....
I still see the look in your eyes as you took what wasn’t yours
and called it love.

do you know that I don’t sleep anymore…
that any attempt to close my eyes,
to force myself into oblivion,
to shroud myself in silence
is weak and pathetic,
and always haunted by the memory of what you did.

do you know that you won…
you didn’t have to kill me…
you just had to hurt me..
hard enough
long enough
deep enough
for me to give into the pain…
give into the night…

this is what it feels like to drown.