My Life as an Afterschool Special

2005-08-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

I lied.

When I said I was strong.

When I said I was ok.

When I said I was taking back control.

It was a lie.

I want to be strong for the people who love me. I want to be ok because they want it so badly for me. I want to be normal for them. But it is a lie.

What happened to me is just as real right now as it was two months ago.

And even though people around me move on, stop talking about it, and stop asking questions, it is just as much a part of my everyday life as it was.

It isn’t just something that happened to me….it’s a part of who I am and who I have become.

I am afraid people are tired of my tears, not because they don’t love me, but because they do. They want to believe I am happy, that I am better, that I am strong.

And so I fight, more for them then for myself.

I fight and smile and say I am strong when I know it is a lie.

And I cant do it anymore.

I just can’t.

And there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. I dont understand why this is all happening or when it will stop. It is beoynd reason and explaination. There is no explanation, no words, no way to make sense of any of this or a way to make it right.

It doesnt change anything.

This week I saw him, and everything came to a screeching halt.

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move.

I felt powerless all over again.

Then I willed myself to shift gears and keep driving. I lied to myself and said it didn’t matter and I was strong, but I wasn’t.

This week I came home from work and the door was unlocked. I walked inside and heard noise coming from the downstairs bathroom.

I ran out of the house and called Brian and Lisa to come to my house and make sure someone wasn’t in it.

I stood in my backyard for ten minutes and tried to convince myself not to panic and that I was safe.

And when Brian and Lisa came over and checked my house (my dog was locked in the bathroom) I didn’t panic.

I smiled and thanked them and let them go and lied to myself and to them and said it was ok even though I was terrified and I wanted them to stay.

This week a cop that was called to my house said that my ex finace was going to kill me or get caught trying. He said he has worked countless cases like mine, and they all have the same ending.

I lied to myself and to him and said that I was ok, that I was strong, that I was different then all those other woman, even though I know I am not.

This week I got into fights with the people I am closest to. And I was left feeling even more alone, more discouraged, and more afraid then before.

And then I lied to both myself and to them, and said it was ok and that I felt better, even though I was terrified I was losing them and just wanted and needed reassurance...

This week I walked into the kitchen as my sister called me to make sure everything was ok, and while she was on the phone someone knocked on the back door.

I screamed.

I paniced.

I physically, emotionally, and mentally flashed back to what had happened in that spot, while I was on the phone, two months ago.

It was like no time had passed.

I could see him, I could smell him, I could feel him even though I was all alone in the kitchen.

Erica yelled into the phone to see why I had screamed, and Steve yelled at the back door that it was ok, it was just him.

And I stood frozen and didn’t answer either of them.

It was so so real to me. And when I finally did open the door I didn’t know how to explain to Erica and Steve what exactly happened.

Because to them it was just someone knocking on the backdoor while I was in the kitchen on the phone.

And even though they understand that I am afraid, they cant understand that is so so much more real then just fear.

Its like I re-experience it all over again.

So I smiled and lied to myself and to them and said it wasn’t a big deal and then I went and took and shower and cried.

This week I went on dates with different boys. Who were amazing and sweet. And I even had a good time.

But the truth is I lied to myself and to others and said I was ok, and I was moving on with my life, when the truth is I am terrified at the idea of being with someone, allowing them in, and being intimate.

And I am so so afraid I will always feel like this.

This week Erica yelled at me for not being completely honest with everyone.

She said I only tell parts of the story that I feel comfortable with, and people close to me never really know exactly what is happening with me.

Which is true. I lie to them and I lie to myself.

The truth is it was actually a really really hard week, and as much as I have tried to seem strong, and normal, and in control, it is a lie.

I should be better. I shouldn’t feel like this. I should move on.

But I cant.

People tell me they worry about me, that they think fear is controlling me, and its true.

But it is so so so real to me.

I never know what will bring the fear back.

Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.

I cant explain why I feel afraid, or sad, or alone.

Sometimes it is a word, or the way someone says it.

Sometimes it is a smell.

Or a knock at the door.

Or a car that looks like his.

It can be anything, and the memories come flooding back.

And they aren’t just memories. I feel everything all over again. I relive that night.

And it doesn’t get any easier.

Maybe if I just had a moment to breathe… to relax… but when someone pounds on my door or tries to get into my house or throws a brick through my window or I see him the fear is just as real, just as present. And that’s my reality.

Maybe someone else could be stronger.

Maybe they could handle all this and be ok. But it too much, too often, for me. It just never stops.

This week Amy asked me if I was suicidal. And I said no. And then I turned on the shower and cried. Bececause I lied.

I am not ok, I am not strong, and I am not taking control.

I am afraid.

I do feel out of control.

And most of all, I feel alone…

I want to be strong for the people who love me, but I cant do this anymore.

I just cant do this anymore…..

And I am sorry….

2005-07-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

Oh hell no

I have been trying really hard to get my life back to normal.

To take back control.

(I have a bracelet that says that)

I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid.

So last night, after church, I decided to go home and get some of my stuff together even though my roommates were out for the night.

I drove to my house, made sure I had my phone in my hand, and then got out of my car.

As I was walking to my house, my neighbor and good friend Steve pulled up. SO I talked to him for a minute, put my cell phone in my pocket, and then walked to my house and went inside.

At first I panicked when I shut the door. I had to take a minute to convince myself that being in my big empty house alone was ok.

I don't want to live my life in fear.

I let Beebe out, and then went upstairs.

When I got to the top of the steps I thought that I should call my roommates to tell them I was home alone and to see when they were coming back.

My cell wasn't in my pocket.

I looked for it for a minute, and decided it must have fallen in the grass when I walked to the door.

I didn't want to be home alone with no cell phone, so I went to my room to get some clothes to take to my mom and dads house.

As I was getting my stuff together I heard someone banging on the door. My heart leapt to my throat and I had to convince myself not to panic.

I yelled out the window and no one answered. SO I decided to just ignore the knocking. They would go away.

And then I head a huge crash and glass breaking.

I panicked.

I didn't have a phone to call anyone, and I was sure someone was breaking into my house to kill me.

I felt trapped.

I grabbed the bat Katie gave me and flew down the stairs, fully prepared to beat the shit out of someone.

I stopped on the second floor and looked out the back window, but I didn't see anyone.

I went down the steps and saw that someone had broken out the kitchen window.

I went to the livingroom and stood in the middle of the room crying and shaking and trying to decide if it was worse to stay in my house with no phone and wait for someone to come kill me (who knew if they were already in the house) or go outside not knowing who was out there (but having a pretty good guess)

I felt so so so trapped.

All of a sudden I looked out the window and saw my neighbor. He had heard the glass breaking and come outside to see what it was.

So I ran outside and asked him if I could use his phone to call the police.

He walked me over to his house and I called the police and waited for them to get there.

When they came I made them search my house for someone who may have come in, and then I filed a report.

Oh hell no.

I am so so angry. I mean more then I am even afraid.

I seriously want to beat someone's fucking head in with my bat.

Because I am not a victim and I don't want to be a victim any more.

and people have no right to come to my house and terrorize me.

SO today I have decided to not let him win.

I am going to feel sorry for myself, or walk around afraid.

I am taking back control.

I am not a victim.

2005-07-26T10:02:00.000-05:00

It went welll

Thank you guys for all your prayers and support..

Thank you for calling me me and texting me and askin how it went...

I just didnt feel like talking much.

But for thoes of you who wanted to know, it went well.

It was really hard, and I cried before and after I testified, but I didnt cry on the stand.

And the judge granted me a five year CPO.

So the good news is if he ever breaks it, he will be arrested.

The bad news is he will bail out and there will be a trail and I will have to do this all over again.

So while I am relieved to know the law is on my side, that I was believed, and that what he did last month is now a "finding of fact", I dont really have colsure, or feel any resolution.

But it was important to stand up for myself.

And I am so glad I did.

It just doesnt really make me feel less afraid if that makes sense....

2005-07-25T15:40:00.000-05:00

COURAGE

Tommorow is my court date....

and I am terrified.

But I have been holding tight to a quote I read once,

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
-- Ambrose Redmoon

And this is important.

2005-07-24T11:28:00.000-05:00

Even when I have to push to see how far you'd go

Its been a really really long and hard month.

I am a mess.

And I am pushing everyone who loves me away.

I hate how my life feels upside down and out of control.

I hate that I cant stay at my house alone, that I am always afraid, that I feel so so needy.

I hate how much I want to be loved, and I hate how hard I am becoming to love.

Amy, Erica, Lisa, and Katie have all gotten mad at me this week... And told me nothing they do is good enough and I am pushing them away. They have all said that they don't know what I want.

How could they? I don't know what I want.

I am angry and hurt and overwhelmed and confused.

I feel like glass inside.

I need constant reassurace that I am loved, that they aren't going anywhere. I feel alone.

I am difficult to love right now, and I know it. And that makes me petrified that people are going to walk away and then I really WILL be alone.

And sometimes I want to be consoled and comforted, and other times the attempts at comforting me just make me angry. Because in a lot of ways, there really is no comfort.

I want them to tell me they know how hard it is for me, and then I get mad because they don't know how hard it is because its not happening to them.

I want to be distracted and I want to not worry, and then I get mad when they tell me not to worry because this is all very real to me, and very fresh, and I cant just not worry about it.

I am a walking contradiction of needs.

And I am so so needy. And so so demanding.

And they have all been there for me in so many ways.

Katie has spent countless nights on the phone listening to me cry, letting me be silent, waiting for me to finally fall asleep. She came to stay with me when everyone else went out of town, and held me when I broke down.

Lisa has let me yell and scream about how frustrated I am. She has let me cry. She and her husband drive by my house, check on me, offer to let me stay at their house, and even spent the night on my livingroom floor last week because Matt had come over and the police had let him go and I was terrified that he would come back.

Erica has gone out of her way to spend time with me, serve me, and understand. She sat with me in the hospital, has gotten out of bed in the middle of the night because I was a mess and afraid I would hurt myself, and she has tried to be patient. She has driven me to our parents house and stayed with me so I didn't have to be alone.

Amy has held my hand when I am afraid, held me close when I cried, listened to me yell, and let me talk. She has taken measures to make sure I am ok, and that I don't hurt myself.

All four of them have loved me through the hardest time in my life... And all I do is push them away.

I wish I could tell them in a way that they understood how incredibly grateful I am for all of them... How much I adore them... How much I need them.

I wish they understood that I couldn't get though this without them.

I wish they knew hoe sorry I was....

I wish I was easier to love right now.

I just wish everything was different.

and since I always say it better in a song

For Katie, Lisa, Erica, and Amy...

SARAH McLACHLAN

"Push"

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

2005-07-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

My dad is amazing and he loves me.

In the past two weeks he has come to my house to fix my car when I couldnt get it to start, and then towed me from the middle of a cornfield when I blew up my radiator.

He let me drive his truck to work while my car was broken.

He has spent hours fixing the battery, altenator, radiator, and sensor on my car.

And then he washed my car, cleaned it out, vaccumed it, and put gas in it before he gave it back.

He is good to me.

When I was younger I sometimes had a hard time knowing that he loved me. He always lived so far away, and he a man of very few words.

he was never good at calling or writing...

But as I have gotten older I have come to understand that my dad loves me not by what he says, but by what he does.

He is always there for me, always ready to help, to fix, to take care of things...

and the is no question in my mind that I am loved by him....

2005-07-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

The saga continues

Today I had the day off work, so I went with my sister and spent the day lounging by her dads pool.

I decided to take the back way home from Grove City to Galloway.

As I was driving down the back roads, I heard a loud pop and then steam began pouring out of my car.

When I got out to look I discovered the radiator has busted and I lost a belt (how proud are you of me that I figured it out all by my self!)

The major problem was I was literally in the middle of nowhere. Cornfields as far as I could see.

And no one would answer their phone.

Well Kim and Dena answered their phones, but they don't even live in this state.

I was outside, in 93 degree weather, wearing a bathing suit and a towel, and I couldn't get anyone on the phone to come get me.

At which point I did have a complete meltdown, and sobbed.

I cried for a good 45 minutes sitting on the hood of my car wearing a bathing suit, surrounded by cornfields.

Its just been a really really really hard day... Hard week... Hard month.

Finally after waiting just over two hours my stepmom showed up, took me to go get a belt for my car, and then we met my dad back at my car.

They used my dads truck to tow me back to my dads house...

My step mom poured us a glass of tequila.

And I know its just a little thing... But all the little things are starting to add up...

2005-07-19T23:37:00.000-05:00

worst day ever

I hope this post makes sense.

I am heavily medicated.

As I have mentioned before I have had trouble sleeping. I have been stressed out and emotional. I have been emotionally, physically, and mentally drained.

And yesterday it caught up with me.

I passed out on the pool deck.

One minute I am yelling at a kid for dunking, the next I am on the ground with my lifeguards above me.

I had fainted on the deck and hit my head really hard on the concrete... I don't remember any of this but the knot on the back of my head tells me its true.

They called 911, strapped me to a backboard, and sent me to mount carmel west.

Where I spent the next 4 hours getting Xrays and CAT scans and blood tests. Apparently everything was just a little off. My sugar was only an 89. My potassium was 3. My blood pressure was low...

All of that together combined with the fact that it was 90 degrees outside and I had only slept 6 hours in three days and I have been stressed out of my mind was apparently just too much for my body.

It decided it needed a break right then. On the concrete.

On the plus side, I did get both pain killers AND sleeping pills.

I got out of the hospital, had dinner with my dad, and then went to our neighbor Brian and Lisa's house.

While I was there I got a call from my sister, who was alone at our house.

My ex fiancee had come over and would not leave. He was pounding on the doors and calling for me. I had a protection order so called she the police. They caught him as he was pulling away from our house.

The police however, could not find my protection order in the system, and had to let him go.

I cried and yelled, but it didn't help.

Steve, Lisa and Brian all slept in my livingroom because we were afraid he would come back.

and today I spent all day first at the police department, then at the prosecutors office, then in domestic court trying to figure out what happened and to keep it from happening again.

And now I have a trail next tuesday.

See kids, THIS is why my life is an afterschool special.

2005-07-14T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found a piece of my past at the thrift store.

I was so excited to take it home and show my sister, who I knew would be as thrilled as I was.

She went out on the front porch, and I put my new treasure in the CD player, turned it up loud, and went to join her. I wanted to surprise her.

After a few notes she sat up and said "SHUT UP!"

"I KNOW!" I squealed.

I had found Tiffany’s cd.

I remember summers at my dad’s house, when Erica and I would go into the basement and put our Tiffany tape in, and make up dances for hours and hours.

Sometimes my brother would join us. Sometimes our friends would come. But Erica and I were always the stars.

She was the better dancer by far, but I was the dramatic one. Between the two of us we had whole productions… with props and costumes and dramatic endings… we even have a few of our plays and dances on tape somewhere…

“Wear your jacket like it was her own… I used to wear it so well”

As the Tiffany sang that line last night I had flashbacks to Erica and I in the basement, jean jackets tossed over our shoulders, singing our hearts out about love and loss and things we didn’t really understand…

At one point last night, I couldn’t contain myself any longer, and I jumped from my seat and began to dance around the porch. Oh yes… I so remembered the dance to I think we’re alone now…

Erica and I were both laughing and singing really loud, until the neighbors came out and Erica told to me to sit down because they were watching.

“Running just as fast as we can… holding on to one another’s hand… trying to get away into the night… and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say… I think we’re alone now”

Man… good times!

2005-07-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how desperate people can be.

The past month I have looked my own humaness in the face as I grapple with the reality of my deperation.

And today I was reminded of my own desperation in an unexpected place.

I was at the pool and decided to run down the the corner market, Sally's, and get some bottled water and popcicles for my staff.

Sally's is on the corner of Sullivant and Davis, one block from my house and three blocks from the pool.

Its central in the bottoms, and there is always a slew of questionable people both inside and outside. Its the kind of store that you would never rob, because you know then men behind the counters would pull out a gun and kill you if you even looked at them wrong (And thats not even me being dramatic, people HAVE died trying to rob sally's)

When I pulled up a woman came to my car and asked me if I had five dollars.

She was overweight and had stringy greasy hair and a stained tee shirt on. She was dirty and smelled liked body oder and cheap liquor.

"I really need five dollars" she begged. "I am hungry"

I told her that I wasnt going to give her money, but if she was hungry she could come in the store with me and I would buy her something to eat. (This is how I usually handle beggers in my neighborhood. Sometimes I even run to McDonalds and bring them back food)

She said she just needed five dollars and I firmly told her no and reiterated my offer to buy her something to eat if she really wanted the money for food.

As I was talking to her a man pulled up and she turned her attention to him.

"Please give me five dollars" she begged.

The man looked at her and smirked and said "What are you you willing to do for five dollars."

The woman said "Whatever you want me to."

The man then opened his car doo and she got in and they drove away leaving me standing there open mouthed.

There is no way that just happened! Are you kidding me!

There are just so many things wrong with that whole scene I dont even know where to start.

FIVE DOLLARS.

She just sold herself for five freaking dollars.

And he... he wanted to... touch her smelly body ... and pay her to let him do it.

To be honest, at first I judged them both.

And I when I started writing this I was going to make it a funny story about life in the bottoms.

But the more I sat and thought about what I had just seen, the more I realized I wasnt so different from either of them....

The more I thought about how low and desperate people have become to fullfill the desires of their flesh, for cheap thrills and temporary fixes, the more I realized how broken they must be.

And I am no better. I justify and judge and act rightous because I would never sell myself for five dollars... But really, what seperates me from that woman?

Becuase I am just as desperate sometimes... for a quick fix.. to make the pain stop.. to feel far away and distant from my life.

And although it may be wrapped up in a prettier package, the desperation is the same...

2005-07-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know how to add titles to my posts?

2005-07-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

I decided to write a not depressing post today....

and since I have not yet wrote about Katies visit to columbus, I decided to write about her.

Top ten reasons why Katie Jo is one of my top ten favorite people.

(yes I do have a ranking system)

10. She is a really fun drunk for the ten minutes she can hold her liquor before she starts vomiting. And she puts up with all my drunk dials.

9. She sees such beauty in everyday things. She thinks old buildings and numbers and cracks in the road and airports and butterflies can be beautiful things. And she takes amazing pictures.

8. She is like a little kid sometimes. She gets excited about little things, like her very own shiny lifeguard whistle from my work. And she will blow bubbles with me and play playdough. She makes almost any any activity fun. I laughed so hard playing Bingo (stupid instants) that I got a headache.

7. She is a big crybaby. She lets me be a crybaby. And she pets my head and lets me cry.

6. She is fiesty as hell. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. You cant convince her to do anything she doesnt want to do (especially go swimming). And she has a black belt. And she can be a hard ass when she isnt being a crybaby. And she isnt afarid to kick some ass or call the police from a time zone away. and she brought me a bat and named him rawly.

5. She doesnt yell at me when I drive. Even when she has to grab the wheel because I am driving off the road.

4. She lets me call her when I am upset and NOT talk . She will sit on the phone with neither of us saying anything for hours and hours. And she listens to me when I want to talk. Even if I am angry or rambling or drunk and not making sense and have a pillow over my face as I am talking. And when I call her and cry so hard that I cant breathe she makes me breathe until I calm down and then convinces me it will be ok...

3. She reads me bedtimes stories when I call her at 2am and cant sleep.

2. She understands what makes cowboys so sexy. And she doesnt even mind that my counrty boyfriend is Toby Keith, who could totally kick Brad Paisleys ass. And she will sing country music with the radio as loud as it goes and all the windows down with me.

1. She is an amazing friend. And she is loyal. And she is compassionate. And she has been there for me in a million ways that she will never understand.

2005-07-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

Just some thought since I havent worote in so long....

Kathy and Tim made me cry last night. I talked to kathy on the phone last night... told her about what was happening in my life and how I am handling it and how hard everything is, and Tim asked if I needed them to come get me and bring me "home" to Minneaota. kathy said "we are serious.. we will get in the car and come get you" I love them so deeply and I am so so so blessed by the way they love me.

I need a new battery for my car. I was going to get one for free and the FBI came and arrested the man who was going to give me one... I hope he gets out soon... I hate not having a car. Such is like in the bottoms....

I really really really love my job. I think it is the one thing that keeps me sane right now. It is good for me to be outside everyday.. in the sunshine.. and to be able to swim. There is something so therepudic about water.

My favorite cover band.. bad little monkies.. is breaking up. That makes me sad, because my roomates and I love to go watch them play. They are totally danceable, even when you are sober. So if anyone knows any guitarist that live in Columbus let me know.

Katie gave me a baseball bat when she was here. We named it Rawly. I sleep with it every night. I find it very comforting... People sleep with teddy bears or extra pillows or even blankies.... but I have a bat. I think thats perfectly normal, perfectly heathly.

Speaking of perfectly normal... my friend Joshewah left me a message last night and told me my answering machine message sounded depressing and if I didnt change it he would kick my ass. It made me laugh and Amy decide I should marry him. And then I didnt call him back. He loves that about me.

Seriously.. I need some sleep. I think I have slept 5 hours in the past 72.

Call me... write me... email me... I miss you all... and I need some love.

2005-07-06T11:14:00.000-05:00

I have been horrible updating my blog... I have been horrible at communication in general.

I noticed yesterday that all my recent posts have involved someone elses words... and I know I need courage to find my own words...

This is my attempt.

My roommate Amy gave me a journal last night.

It is just a yellow notebook... and on the front in white writing is a single word... courage.

Courage... both appropiate and ironic.

I sat last night in the darkness of my room and watched my clock change numbers. Finally at two am I got up and wrote.

I need to write, to see my life in black and white, to organize the thoughts in my head into words and sentences, to bring some sense of order to the chaos.

I dont sleep anymore. I cant make the thoughts stop long enough to find some sense of peace. When I close my eyes I see him, somehow etched into the blackness of my mind.

I see his eyes, both angry and pleading, wanting me to love him back. Every angry touch and wispered word floods my mind and fills the emptiness with a life all its own.

And last night in desperation to fill the darkness I found the courage to write.

I am angry.

And I am afraid.

Not just of him, although every noise and every shadow takes on new meaning now... but I am afraid of myself.

I cant do this much longer. And while time should make things easier, heal wounds, and allow me to forget it does not.

I feel like i am drowning.

And I want to scream at everyone who knows me "cant you see... can't you see me standing in front of you... dont you see me drowning"

But the reality is I dont scream.... I get up and force myself out of bed. And I smile at everyone who loves me and I tell them I am fine and I angrily push away their love and their desire to help. And then I feel alone.

Then I feel like I am drowning.

"Too drama, too high maitnence, and so not worth it..." That is what an old friend said once after coming to visit me..

Thoes words roll around in my head now as people I I love drift away, take breaks, and struggle with loving me.

I know it would be easier if I was honest. And I hate myself for pretending... for laughing like I am not dying inside. But I do laugh, and I get up and I go to work and sit in the sunshine and and go to the store and live my life like it hasnt been stolen from me. And with every concearned question and look and touch my answer is always the same...

but the truth is no matter how many times a day I tell myself and others that I am fine, it is still a lie... because I am not fine at all... and part of me doubts I ever will have the courage to be again.

So there you have it. In my own words... I feel like I am drowning..

and I just need to make sense of that chaos that is in my mind...

I need to write.

...so this is what it feels like to drown.
to just give into the pain...
to give into the night...
to let you win...

do you know how long the night is...
do you know that my life was changed
forever
with the touch of your hand.

do you know that I still feel you...
that every sound
movement
unexpected touch
is a child's "bump in the night,"
reminders of you.
reminders of how quickly things change.

do you know I still see your face above mine....
I still see the look in your eyes as you took what wasn’t yours
and called it love.

do you know that I don’t sleep anymore…
that any attempt to close my eyes,
to force myself into oblivion,
to shroud myself in silence
is weak and pathetic,
and always haunted by the memory of what you did.

do you know that you won…
you didn’t have to kill me…
you just had to hurt me..
hard enough
long enough
deep enough
for me to give into the pain…
give into the night…

this is what it feels like to drown.

2005-07-04T20:38:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a song that haunts you... that says everything you dont want to think and feel but do...

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself....

For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.....

She finally drank her pain away a little at a time....

But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,

Until the night She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger....

And finally drank away his memory....

Life is short but this time it was bigger

Than the strength she had to get up off her knees.

2005-05-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

Tornado

I have been talking Matt lately a lot more then makes me comfortable. I much perfer to be "fine". But he is a tornado in my life...

Sara Groves... Tornado

You live your life like a tornado.
Destruction follows everywhere you go.
And you have no plans to stop or slow (oh).
I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy,
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see (oh).

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And I tried to remove myself from your path,
But I keep on waking up in the aftermath.
So I pick up again and say I won't look back (oh).
And I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy,
But this constant fight is breaking me (oh).

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love;
When everything you touch is rubble and dust.
And it gets so hard to know how to trust,
But I will not let that bitter root grow.
I will not let it, no no.
But it gets so hard (oh).

And every time I find healing you're making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address,
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness.-

2005-05-22T00:49:00.000-05:00

Best day ever

I spent last night at my parents house, and I actually slept for the first time in a while. I laid in the darkest room in the basement and just enjoyed the quiet. It was so nice to not worry and not listen for every little noise wondering if it was Matt. It was so nice to exhale.

And today, instead of getting overwhelmed, I just allowed myself to breathe.

I got fired this morning from the portrait studio.

Which, given the rest of the drama in my life, should have been enough to set me over the edge.

But instead it gave me an opportunity to exhale.

Which was so needed.

I made a decision to just to be fully in the moment today.

And in the process of breathing and taking it one moment at a time, I had the most amazing day.

I spent time with some of favorite people, and I truly got to relax.

My roommates and I spent the morning at a picnic for Youth for Christ volunteers. I laughed with my friends, ate steak, and enjoyed the sunshine.

I even joined a game of Chicago softball. I was really good (I even slid into second).

Ok maybe I wasn't REALLY good. Luckily I am cute enough to not have to rely entirely on my athletic skills.

After the picnic, Erica, Amy, and I went to starbucks and then we drove to Ericas dads and layed out by the swimming pool and read gossip magazines and paperback novels. It was so nice to just lay around in comfortable silence (except when I read to Amy and she talked about how hot Ericas dad was. Neither of us will ever look at white rain the same way again)

Then we came home and got ready for our friend Jess wedding. Sassy heels and flair always puts me in a good mood. The wedding was beautiful, the bride looked incredible, and it was fun just to hang out with my sister Erica and my parents.

Then I came home, threw on some jeans and flip flops, and went with my friends Brian, Lisa, and Felicia to see the new star wars movie.

And now I am back at Lisa and Brians house with Amy and Steve and we are eating McDonald and having a good time.

So today I allowed myself to exhale. And to be truly in the moment. And I had the one of the best days I have had in a long long time in the process.

2005-05-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

Rain

its hard to listen to a hard hard heart
beating close to mine
pounding up against the stone and steel
walls that i won't climb
sometimes the hurt is so deep deep deep
you think that your gonna drown
sometimes all i can do is weep weep weep
with all this rain falling down

Patty Griffin Rain

I know I have quoted that song before but it remains one of my very favorites.

And it has been running in my head for the past couple hours.

I just took a long walk in the rain followed by a long hot shower.

There is something so therapeutic about the rain...

The way it sounds as it hits the pavement, the way it dances on your skin when it reaches you, the way it feels when it runs down your face and mingles in your tears, even the way it can chill you to the very core of your being...

Rain makes you feel alive, it washes away a bit of the brokenness, it comforts you with its own melancholy sound, it soothes your weary soul.

All I want to do is escape.

Somehow, somewhere, find the place where my heart no longer feels and my head is no longer filled with thoughts that don't let me sleep.

And so I walked in the rain. And for just a moment, the world washed away.

2005-05-17T17:44:00.000-05:00

I got a new haircut. It is the shortest it has been in a long long long time. But I like it. It is new. A fresh start. And lord knows we all need fresh starts sometimes.

2005-05-10T13:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am not the quickest horse in the stable.

or the brightest crown in the box.

I tend to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

and sometimes people wonder if my elevator goes all the way to the top floor.

Yes I am a natural blonde, although I have dyed my hair.

I like to think of it as artificial intellegence.

Case in point, yesterday evening.

I have new job as a photographer at a protrait studio. There are a few studios in the greater columbus area, and I travel to different studios during the week.

Last night I had just finished working a nine hour shift, and as I closed up the store I pulled out my cell phone to check my messages.

I had three missed calls.

The first two numbers came up as names from my caller id, but the third was just a number.

It looked really really familar.

Because I didnt want to use daytime minutes, I used my work phone to call the number and see who was calling my cell phone.

It was busy. I figured I would wait a few minutes and try again. Every time I dialed the number from my work phone it was busy.

While I was waiting I decided to call my cell from my work phone and check my messages to see if this mystery caller had left me a message.

I dialed then number of my cell phone and it started to ring. I looked and saw that it was the mystery number!

YES!

Whoever was trying to get ahold of me must be trying to call me back.

So while I held my work phone in my hand on one ear I picked up my cell phone and answered it with the other hand.

"Hello" I said into my cell phone.

and "hello" I heard in my ear through the work phone.

Oh yeah, its true.

I had just called myself AND tried to answer myself all at the same time.

yep... I'm quick.

the mystery number was my studio, from when I had checked messages earlier in the day.

Thank God I am cute and fun cause Lord knows I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

and that my friends, is why I need the "shirt" bus

2005-05-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

True desperation.

Its a funny feeling, truly getting to the point where you have exhausted your own efforts and nothing you do seems to make a difference or change anything.

There is almost a peace that comes from knowing that you are trying your very best, and all your efforts to cope fall short.

At the moment you throw up your hands and hit your knees and beg God to do something, anything because you cant make it through another minute without him, you find He is right there waiting.

The other day I woke up completely overwhelmed.

Matt had come over the night before and I was so angry and overwhelmed.

I had worked 61 hours that week and I scheduled to work two jobs that day.

And everything just seemed to be falling apart around me.

I laid in my bed and started to cry.

And I told God that everything was too much. That I seriously didn't think I could get out the bed without Him.

I NEEDED Him. I needed to know that above all else and despite anything else He was still good and in control. I needed to know that even when I felt faithless that He would be faithful.

I couldn't even get out of the bed and face the day without him.

And while it is hard to start the day in tears, there is such an intimacy that comes with desperation.

So while things have been emotionally and physically and spiritually hard, in some ways I wouldn't trade it.

Because I know more about myself and my weakness, and more about God and His strength than I ever have before.

and that is total desperation like I never knew... But is changing me like I never thought possible.

2005-05-03T13:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't written lately.

I think I have run out of words.

Which is a strange feeling for me, because I tend to be a very verbal processor.

But lately I am tired, and weary, and I just feel like there aren't words anymore.

Like everything I feel goes so so far beyond any words I have to describe it.

Its not that I don't have people who are willing to listen. People who care about me and love me and worry about me.

But I just feel like it doesn't matter.... No matter what I say it is just words and it doesn't change anything.

And I just feel overwhelmed and like I hate so many things.

I hate everything that is happening with Matt.

I hate that I feel like I have no control over any of this.

I hate that I cant just fix this.

I hate that I question myself and doubt and wonder if I am just being dramatic and I feel like everything I say and do just makes everything worse.

I hate that a protection order is just a piece of paper and only really means something if he obeys it.

I hate that he uses God to justify his actions.

I hate that he thinks I am promised to him, and he makes me feel like I have no say in it.

I hate that he hurts me, and even more so, I hate that I have allowed him to do it.

I hate that I am afraid of him. I hate that when I drive to my house I wonder if he is going to be there, and when I am home alone I worry that he will show up and when my dog barks at night I think that its him.

and most of all I hate that I so could have stopped all this if I had just listened to people six years ago when they told me that this would happen. Or any time during the past six years when he hit me or shoved me or called me names or threatened me. I could have walked away so many times. And I didn't.

I hate that I believed in love more then I believed in truth.

and I hate that this is all just consequence for those choices.

and there are a million other reasons why I feel overwhelmed. Ministry is hard and living in the bottoms is hard and counseling is hard and life is hard...

And I am ok. Really I am. I am fine. I just don't have words anymore.

2005-04-26T18:15:00.000-05:00

I spent the past four days safely tucked away at a catholic church of all places.

The first night I was there I went into the church and all the lights were out and all the candles were lit.

My footsteps echoed, and the stained glass danced in the light.

Everything was so big and so beautiful... I sat down at a pew and started to cry.

I grew up catholic... and I sat at that pew and remembered what it felt like as a little girl walking into mass.

Everything always seemed so big, and so breathtaking. I thought God was so big and so powerful. I always felt so small and safe and protected. I thought God could do anything. I had such awe.

I believed before I even knew what faith was.

But somewhere along the line we grow up. We start getting bigger and God starts seeming smaller. We begin to trust less and take control more.

And yet here I was, sitting alone in a pew crying. What I NEEDED was for God to be big. I needed to feel small and safe and protected. I needed to know that He loved me, and that He saw all my pain and my fears.

I wanted to be that little girl again. Before everything became so hard and complicated.

For the whole first night at the church I didnt talk a soul. I just sat and cried. And it was so so so good just to be still.

I am sure I will write more about all this later

But this weekend I felt safe and small and protected. And I let go of a little control, and in the process gained a lot of peace.

2005-04-14T12:59:00.000-05:00

I was in a drive by yesterday.

Ok that isnt entirely true.

But it sounds much more exciting when I say it that way.

Erica, Amy, and I were laying in the sun on the front porch and a big fancy car with tinted windows and spinners pulls up on the side of the house.

And suddenly two strange men with guns get out of the car and start shooting at us.

Ok maybe they werent strange men. It was Ericas friend Rick and his friend. But there are a LITTLE strange.

And maybe it wasnt a real gun. In fact, it may have been a water gun. It was a super soaker.

But we did get totally wet and it did come out of nowhere.

Did I mention I was in a drive by yesterday?!

2005-04-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

Ok, so I am doing horrible at keeping my blog updated.

And I want to do better, really I do. I just get distracted.

Take yesterday for instance. I wanted to write. I really did.

But there just wasnt time.

In the morning I got up early and I went to the YMCA and I worked out and then I taught swim lessons.

Clearly is it hard to write when I am in water so I didnt update my blog then.

When I was done teaching I talked to my sister and she said she was going to a picnic with her friend Rick and Ricks friends and she invited me along.

Now Rick, he is/was a drug dealer (we arent quite sure what he does now). And I am not talking about selling a bit of pot on the side. Oh no, he is/was the dealers dealer. In fact, the kids we do ministry with in the bottoms know all ABOUT him, but they dont know HIM. He is big time.

But he and Erica go way back. They knew eachother in highschool. And Rick was recently shot like 8 times and his friend died, and he wants to change his ways. So he has come to church with us, and we are trying to show him Jesus is the only way to turn your life around. In order to show him God loves him right where he is out we try to do the same. So we hang out at bars and on his mom porch and we have picnics. (well Erica does. I just come along every now and then for moral support).

Rick is a lot of fun. And he really is very sweet. He always pays for all our drinks and food, he is always polite, and he is always respectful. Although he did tell my sister he bet I was a freak. But that is a whole different story.

We go to this picnic at westgate park and its like the who's who of thugs on the westside. And they pull up in these AWESOME rides with spinners and systems and hydrolics and such truck. And I pull up in my red VW fox. But foxy is HOT so I fit right in. There is like 12 guys and me and Erica.

I had a suprisingly good time. We grill out and go fishing and it was like a regular day at the park. Except I am sure they were all packing heat. But other then that it was good times.

So I couldnt write then because, well, busting out a computer during a picnic with drug dealers would just be too nerdy even for me.

And then I met my step mom at curves and we worked out. for the second time that day.

Did I mention I am going to be freaking HOT.

Because I am.

But once again, that is another topic for another day.

After I worked out I rode with my friend Steve to pick some girls up for City Life.

Then I went to City and hung out with the kids from the bottoms and did a skit with my roommate Amy about selfishness.

And then we invited the volunteers from city life to come back to our house and hang out on the porch and talk.

(I wish Erica had a blog, then she could tell you all about how she had to break up a fight between two kids in her back seat on the way home from City Life, and ended up leaving one of them on the side of the road)

When we all got back to my house we decided we needed some wine so Erica and I went to the Corner Store and got some Strawberry wine.

On our way home we got a call from "M". "M" s (ex) boyfriend is totally abusive and kinda scary, and he just got out of jail yesterday morning and was on house arrest. He cut off his ankle moniter and fled town and "M" called us crying to come get her. So we did a U Turn and went and got her and talked with her and took her home.

And then we took our strawberry wine and went back to our house and sat on the porch and had a drink with our friends and played with our dog.

And that is just one day of my life. A pretty average day in fact.

A million times a day I think "Man I should write about this" and then I never have any time.

"NO TIME THERE IS NEVER ANY TIME"

(that was a saved by the bell moment)

But that is what I get... living my life as an afterschool special.

2005-04-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My house smells like death. like ass. like liquid ass.

our pipes were clogged, the plumber came to unplug it, but in the process the sewer backed up into the basement leaving about three inches of liquid smelly sledge sewer poo. and he left it like that.

the land lord said it just needs to dry out.

whatever. I actually vomited last night it was soooo icky.

I called my landlord this morning and I was like "we cant live like this. I dont know what kind of plumber you hired, but we just went from not being able to flush the toliet to a house that smells like death died. you need to fix it now"

so we shall see. I will get ghetto on him real fast though.

UGH.

(and I am so lazy in updating my blog I did just copy and paste this from the Rumor Forum)

2005-03-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have a HOT date

So I got call tonight from an older man who asked me to go out with him.

He said he is going to pick me up at my house tomorrow night at seven, and I should wear a dress. I asked him what we were doing and he said it was suprise.

How fun! I haven't been this excited in quite a while.

I think what makes me most excited is that I really do care about this man.

In fact, at this point in my life I cant think of a single man I would rather spend the evening with then him.

He is handsome.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me feel safe.

He is strong and smart and loving and gentle.

He is loyal above all else.

He is an overcomes.

He is humble.

He throws a GREAT party.

He likes to dance and sing and he can be so silly.

He rides a Harley.

I know he loves Jesus.

Truthfully I know he loves me, and that he would do anything for me.

What more can you ask for in a date?!

So tomorrow I will put on my dress and wait for this man to show up at my house. And when I open the door I will look into a face that I know so well. I will look into the face of my father.

Yay for "daddy daughter date nights"!!!!!!

2005-03-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

so all I want to say today is Josh and Kat are amazing...

Josh put some of their recorded songs on his blog yesterday, and they are so so so good....

http://rmfo-blogs.com/reilly/archives/2005/03/14/here-they-are/

you should check it out!

*so I dont know how to post a link so you all have to copy and paste. can anyone tell me how to make link*

2005-03-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

I talked to Brian again last night. How wonderful it feels to maintain a friendship with someone who knows you so well, despite the past... to be able to laugh at how awkward everything was.... it is a good feeling.

Its funny because I was just talking to Lisa about Brian, and she said "You havent told me much about him"

and I realized that I didnt because I didnt think there was much to tell. I mean Brian and I were boring. No big drama, nothing crazy, not huge highs and lows... it was just... steady. Even our breakup was steady.

Lisa said "Oh yeah, you dated this godly guy for a long time, but it wasnt drama filled so you didnt mention it?! I mean stability and steadyness, what is THAT?!"

heh. she has a point.

But for the record there WERE highs and lows, and a bit of drama, and a lot of making out....

Last night I started out by asking Brian if he wanted to to be deep and talk about what was going on and his mom, or if he wanted to be silly and shallow and be distracted. He said he wanted to see where the conversation went.

We went silly and shallow.

Brian talked about us smoking cigars together, and I couldnt remember what he was talking about. He said "we smoked them at a party" and I said "whose party" and he said "i dont remember" and i said "well... what state were we in"

Heh. I am such a nerd.

He made fun of me moving so much and pointed out that while we dated I lived in five states. Did I mention I like to move?!

I said "I dont really remember that" and he asked what I remembered about us...

I said "naps, we took a lot of naps"

He said " You took naps Jamie, you were always sleeping"

I replied "Thats cause you were always making out with me... I got tired"

And we proceeded to talk about making out...

Did you know I made out under a fooseball table at my parents house? heh. I TOTALLY forgot about that until last night. I am such a rebel.

But its true, Brian and I made out all over the midwest, which was ok, because as he pointed out we waited like two and half years to kiss.

Ohhhh to be 19 and in love again... to have wild and reckless and hungry and stolen kisses....

Sadly thoes days are long gone. The closet I have come to kissing in a while was when I kissied dating goodbye, or at least kissed it "lets just be friends for a while"

And now I learning how to be steady and stable all by my self. But every now and then I think back to thoes days, and I smile....

You gotta laugh at yourself, or you'd cry your eyes out if you didnt.

2005-03-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My ex boyfriend Brain just called me and told me that his mother had died... it seems so strange, because I just talked to her a month ago.

Brian and I dated when I was a freshman at Ohio State. We dated on and off for a while, but after I was raped I pushed him away and got involved with someone else. Brian was a christian, and no matter what mistake I made during taht time he would always push me back towards God. He remained my friend and was loyal and loving when I was unreasonable and hurt. And he convinced me to love again. And for that I am ever greatful. We began to date seriously, and even talked of marriage. He was sweet and supportive, and I loved him deeply, but we were just too young to be able to handle all the trails and chaos that came into my life my at that time. Brian helped me through some of my darkest moments, but it was a lot for anyone to take.

I was overwhelmed in Ohio, and so I spent a summer in Vermont, then I moved away to Minneapolis, and then spent a summer in CA. Brain waited patiently while I tried to "find myself" but the stress was too much. He came to visit me in Minneapolis. And we flew out and saw my parents in Michigan and hung out in ohio, but we couldnt make it work. Brian and I broke up shortly afterwards. The emotional strain of everything we had been through had taken its toll, along with the ever growing distance and my refusal to settle down. It was hard, because it was emotional, and feelings ran deep. Phyllis, Brians mom, and I were always very close. I loved her and she knew it. I was so afraid to talk her after Brian and I broke up, because I knew how deeply she loved her son.

The first time we talked after the break up she was amazing. She was funny and supportive and loving, and while I cried she just listened and tried to understand. And we have maintained a relationship since then. She has emailed me and Instant messaged me, and even sent me gifts and letters.

I always teased her that I was her favorite, and she was just holding out for me to be her daughter in law. She would always laugh that great laugh of hers and say "Ya, but you cant tell Brian."

Phyllis was from the south, Gadsen AL to be exact. And she was everything I always pictured a southern belle to be. She was classy, and fun, and loyal, and so so so fiesty.

I remember one time after we broke up Brian and I were talking on the phone and she wanted to tell me something and he wouldnt give her the phone.

Next thing I hear is him yelling "Ow" and then her voice. I asked her what happened and she said "I bit him"

and I said "you BIT Brian?!" and she said " He wouldnt give me the phone!" But she said it with an accent so it sounded cooler.

She was like that. Unexpected. and amazing. and sweet. and so so loyal and loving to the people in her life, especially Brian and Jessica, her kids.

I could tell you a thousand stories about her but what matters most is I loved her. and she will be missed.

*Bri if you read this, you know that I am always always here, and I love you. Anything you need, anywhere, anytime. Just let me know. I will take the first greyhound bus to Alabama. I'm praying for you.*

2005-03-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My friend Daniel and I were talking the other day about the possibility of being single our whole lives...

and while I can agree with Daniel that the possibility is always there, the deepest desire of my heart is to be a wife a mother.

I have a reoccuring dream, sometimes I think I can see faces, other times I dont. But I always wake with such peace and such comfort, that I know this dream is written on my heart.

Sometimes I have this dream...

It seems so real I forget that it isnt true.

I am in a garden, the sun is warm on my shoulders, my hands deep in rich soil. Childrens laughter echos through the yard and the smell of dinner drifts from the house.

I look up and see him standing there. I dont know when he arrived but I catch my breath as our eyes meet. This is my husband, my prince, my warrior, my love. This is the man I was created to be with. I know each line on his face. I know every smile, I see every thought. I have watched the years change him, and my love for him has only grown.

He smiles as our children see him standing there. "Daddy Daddy" they cry as they run to him. He picks them up laughing. These are our children, the arrows in our quiver that we hold ever so tightly. They are our future, and they are loved. He kisses them on the head and sends them inside to get ready for dinner.

Now its our turn. He grabs my hand and I stand, wiping off the dirt. He takes me in his arms and we dance slowly and silently to music only we can hear. The sun is warm on my back and I lay my head on his shoulder, just breathing in the moment. A crash comes from inside the house, followed by a little voice yelling "its ok!", and we laugh as we walk in hand in hand to the house.

Over dinner the kids eagerly talk about what they are learning and the days adventures, and he listens intently soaking up every word. We talk about our days and his work and the church, and I smile as I look around me, satisfied at the home I am tending, the family I am raising, and the man that I love.

Later that night as we tuck the children in, we listen as they say their prayers. Tears come to my eyes as I think about everything we have been through. How hard we have fought for ourselves, our realtionship, and our family. I think back over the years, over the trails and the struggles and the doubts and I realize that I wouldnt change a moment. Every tear, every struggle, every doubt has lead me to this moment.

I am at peace, I am in love, and I am home.

and I wake up feeling rested, feeling happy, and feeling loved.

I dont know what the future holds, but I know what is written on my heart.

2005-03-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

So today my heart is heavy. And I just keep thinking if I can make enough sense of what is in my head to put it in black and white then it will all be ok.

But the truth is, in a lot of ways, it isn't ok. And it hasn't been for a while.

My friend Kathy and I used to say, at times like these, that we feel like glass inside...

Today I feel like glass inside...

Today loneliness is crashing over me in waves...

Have you ever seen Bruce Almighty? There is a scene where Bruce tries to use his powers as God to make his girlfriend love him.

And he looks at her with such pleading and determination and begs her to love him.... His voice breaks as he pleads "love me...."

How I can identify with that moment....

I feel unloved... And worse then that, I feel unlovable... I feel like I am too broken, too raw, too much to love.

I feel like over and over again in my life people have walked away and stopped loving. And I have been taught over and over again how to walk away, how to start over, how to move on.

But the problem lies in the fact that I don't want to be someone that people can just walk away from. I don't want to be someone that others just forget. And I hate that I feel like I am someone that you can just stop loving.

But people do. All the time. And its not one particular person that stands out today... Its just the broken promise of the words I love you. Pastors, friends, boyfriends... People in my life who have held my fragile heart in their hands.

And I offered it to them...Believing that they loved me, the real me, the raw me... Only to have them walk away when I didn't live up to what they wanted me to be...

and now they are fine. They have moved on. They don't love me, they aren't hurt, they don't miss me or even my friendship.... They have tossed their love aside and they don't look back, while I am broken and confused and hurt and trying to make sense of all this mess.

This is why I don't trust. I don't trust myself and I most certainly don't trust others. And I hang in the balance of wanting so desperately to love and be loved, and wanting so desperately to protect my heart from the pain that love can inflict. And so I build walls.

and I know its all wrong on a million levels. I know that I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and God. I know I am giving people too much power over me and my thought and my emotions. I know that there are a million things that are wonderful about me, and even if other people cant see it, it doesn't make it less true.

I know I cry over lost love that I never truly had. I mourn the loss of words, when there was no truth behind them... I understand this in my head, but I cant make my heart match.

because today I feel lonely.

and maybe its just because the weather is cold and dreary, or because I only work 10 hours a week right now and have entirely too much time to think and feel...

Or maybe I have been listening to too much Patty Griffin....

Or maybe it is because I had a miserable day teaching yesterday and an even worse night at City Life....

Or maybe its because in the process of deciding where I belong I don't feel like I belong anywhere....

Or more likely it is because I just ran into an old boyfriend, and saw some members of my old church who no longer talk to me...

and in any case I feel like Bruce, and I just want to yell "Love me"

I KNOW I am rambling and this may not even make sense, but this is me.

The real me.

The me that I am so afraid people are going to walk away from.

I have issues. I am insecure. I am high maitnence and drama. I am not even close to being honest most of the time. I am not nearly as strong as I would like to pretend. Most of the time I only love and am only loyal because I am petrified of being alone if I don't. I smile and laugh because I want to yell and cry sometimes. And I will become anything you want me to be if you will just love me....

but please.... Be careful with me...

2005-03-02T13:50:00.000-05:00

My Life as an Afterschool Special

I hate the grey areas.

You know, when things aren't black and white. When there isn't a good choice or a bad choice.. When the possibilities are open and endless.

I feel like I am living in the grey right now. I don't know where I am going to live, what I am going to do, what ministry I am going to be in.

Right now I am living in the moment. I am serving where I am at. I am trying to be fully HERE, at least until my lease runs out.

But to be honest my heart is somewhere else.

I want to go back to Minneapolis. I really do.

I miss the city. I miss the lakes. I miss my friends. I miss my church.

On the flip side my family is in Ohio. And I love them. I love being close to them... And that is what is keeping me here....

When I moved to Ohio the "plan" was to be here for 6 months.

I was trying to "find" myself.

I wanted to figure out what to do about my relationship with Matt. I wanted to work on being healthier. I wanted to work on my finances. I wanted to get to know my family on a deeper level.

And I have. Its taken almost two years, but I have done what I came here to do...

and now, I have to decide if I am going to stay or going to go home.

Yes to Minneapolis, which is still in my heart of hearts home.

And its grey. I wont be in sin if I chose one or the other. I don't have this great "Thus sayth the Lord" leading. I have fellowship both places. I have friends both places. I have a church home both places. I have ministry opportunity both places....

But the reality is that I need to decide. I need to pick a place and stay. I have moved 26 times in 26 years.. And the truth is that it is time for me to have roots... It is time to establish myself.....

the amazing this is for the first time I am making a decision on what I want. I am truly single for the first time since I was 14. No one is in the wings... I am just me. I don't have a job holding me back... There is nothing hindering or influencing my decision.... I can make a decision based on what is best for ME.

and that scares me out of my mind.....

So how do I decide in the grey?

2005-02-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

I spent the night at my parents last night, and while I was sleeping peacefully, the dogs ATE my favorite I-wear-these-twice-a-week-and-I-heart-them pink ballet shoes.

BAD DOG.

BAD WORD.

I would like to now have a moment of silence for my fallen friend. You are gone, beautiful pink shoe, but not forgotten.

*moment of silence*

2005-02-25T15:09:00.000-05:00

Fun Fun Fun....

Luke started this on the Rumor Forum...then I read more about it on Megans blog

http://www.googlism.com/

just put in your name and see what google has to say about who you are....

this is what google had to say about me.... my favorites are in italics and the ones that hit home are in bold.

jamie is an experienced full time real estate professional
jamie is a stinky
jamie is snoring
jamie is a prissypants
jamie is the bomb
jamie is the best
jamie is still in treatment
jamie is an ass
jamie is center of the universe or so he thinks
jamie is finally thankful
jamie is crying
jamie is now my friend
jamie is hot
jamie is gorgeous
jamie is the coolest
jamie is a beast
jamie is a 15 3/4" sable & white dog
jamie is one superior bench presser
jamie is an amazingly smart
jamie is taking a nap
jamie is a pretty blonde with a sexy body who likes to wear fashionable clothes
jamie is a 19 year old student with cerebral palsy and severe mental retardation
jamie is matching different colored shapes to teacher made pictures
jamie is pulling on her mother's leg
jamie is his mad
jamie is one of the top yoga teachers in the country
jamie is an outstanding girl
jamie is able to function normally for the most part
jamie is one of my favorite models
jamie is the sweet and lovable housemate
jamie is actually the fastest man alive
jamie is a plain jane who gets picked on for her pure goodness
jamie is a consummate performer
jamie is unrepentantjamie is the 79th most kissable guy
jamie is great
jamie is still fine
jamie is very excited to finally be a reporter
jamie is really heavy into the drugs and trish does not want to be apart of this any more
jamie is an endearing young lady who loves laughing and talking with friends
jamie is kept out of school for several days while he and his mother cope with their situation
jamie is a call operator
jamie is a nut bar

2005-02-23T15:19:00.000-05:00

I got a My Little Pony with my happy meal today!

It is a happy meal indeed!

I LOVE my little ponies!

I used to play with them when I was little.

Little girls now play with Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Cabbage Patch dolls and my little ponies.

80's toys ROCK!

2005-02-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

I had the most amazing night last night.

I gave my first teaching at City Life. The topic was "Getting Real" and to be honest for the past week I felt out of my league and overwhelmed.

What did I have to say that a bunch of teenagers from the inner city would hold on to or learn from?

After much prayer, and help from friends about what the bible says about being real, I felt as ready as I would ever be...

I began by giving my testimony. I wanted to show them that I wasn't asking anything from them that I wasn't willing to do myself.

I was real, I was raw, I talked about the details, and how hard my past was, and how sinful I was and how sinful I still am. I talked about the process, and that even now, eight years after becoming a Christian I STILL have struggles and I still have doubts.

And I looked out into the faces of the kids and I saw understanding, and compassion, and surprise. They got it. They were "picking up what I was throwing down".

They understood where I was coming from, they had been down that same road, and they knew that they weren't so alone in their struggles. They cried with me. They laughed with me. They cheered for me. For a second I wasn't the leader, I was one of them.

I opened it up for questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. Then I told them that I knew most of them weren't ready to be this real. They weren't ready to stand up in front of a room full of people and talk about their hurts or their sin or their struggles.

But they did need to get real with themselves and real with God.

And I told them about David, and how he was a man after Gods own heart. He still sinned and he still had struggles, but in it all he was real. In some psalms he wrote about how great God was and how blessed he felt, but other times he said it sucked. He told God that the wicked were getting everything, and he was sick and hurt and lonely.

The place to start with getting real with others was getting real with yourself and real with God. And I told them just like cried out and was real in the psalms they needed to cry out and be real with God too.

I passed out a piece of paper with two verses and three questions on it.

Who do people think you are.

Who do you think you really are.

Why do you hide who you are from God and other people.

We gave them about five minutes to write down their answers, and then I told them their challenge this week was to find at least one other person to share their paper with.

I prayed and we finished City Life. And I sat by myself for a moment thinking of all the things I should have said and didn't, and the scriptures I wanted to use but didn't.

I felt, for just a moment, like I wasted an opportunity.

Then a couple of people came up and gave me their papers and walked away.

When I read the first one I started to cry.

The first girl wrote about how she had been raped when she was nine by a family member and everyone thinks she is so brave and strong but she is really afraid all the time and lonely.

Another girl wrote about how she was raped and she uses sex to try to feel love ands to make that hurt go away. And people think she is a slut but she actually hates sex and just wants to be loved.

Another girl wrote about trying to kill herself and how she is still really hurt but afraid to show it.

A boy wrote about how everyone thinks he is funny and goofy, but he is afraid to be real because they wont like the "real him"

Another person wrote about using drugs to stop the pain, and everyone thinks they are this big druggie, but really they are just hurt and angry.

They were REAL.

They got it.

I was able to track down some of them. I got their phone numbers and gave them mine and promised I would talk to each of them more in depth later. I talked to each of them for a few minutes and they all said the same thing. They all thought that they could share what they wrote with me, and I wouldn't judge them or feel sorry for them , but I would understand.

I know it was such a tiny step, but I felt so so so blessed that they tore down their walls, even for a minute, and they trusted me with what was inside.

And that was not a wasted opportunity.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2005-02-21T09:21:00.000-05:00

Do Blondes have more fun?

I am thinking "NO"

because in the past three months I have gone from being a lifelong blonde to a brunette.

And this weekend I went from a brunette to auburn red head.

and I feel SASSY.

2005-02-18T07:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Kathy Grunditz for a quick blog idea....

When Kathy and I lived in a house full of girls, we all took the temperment test and then posted the stengths and weaknesses on the bulletin board in our kitchen. I think it helped us understand eachother. And when I moved to Ohio, I had my roomates take the test, and we put our stengths and weaknesses on our doors. Living with a strong Choleric, a strong Melancholy, and a strong Sanguine under one roof isnt always easy... but the more we understand eachother the better we get along...

so what is your temperment?

http://www.oneishy.com/personality

I am about as Sanguine as they come.... I just retook the test this morning and I got 33 Sanguine, thats a lot...

Your scores arebelow
Overall:
Melancholy:3
Phlegmatic:1
Sanguine:33
Choleric:1

Strengths:
Melancholy:0
Phlegmatic:1
Sanguine:19
Choleric:0

Weakneses:
Melancholy:3
Phlegmatic:0
Sanguine:14
Choleric:1

so what does that say about me....

The Extrovert The Talker The Optimist

Strengths of a Sanguine

Appealing personality
Talkative, Storyteller
Life of the Party
Good sense of humor
Memory for color
Physically holds on to listener
Emotional and demonstrative
Enthusiastic and expressive
Cheerful and bubbling over
Curious
Good on stage
Wide-eyed and innocent
Lives in the present
Changeable disposition
Sincere at heart
Always a child
Makes friends easily
Loves People
Thrives on compliments
Seems exciting
envied by others
Doesn't hold grudges
apologizes quickly
Prevents dull moments
Likes spontaneous activities

Weaknesses of a Sanguine

Compulsive talker
Exaggerates and elaborates
Dwells on trivia
Can't remember names
Scares others off
Too happy for some
Has restless energy
Egotistical
Blusters and complains
Naive, gets taken in
Has loud voice and laugh
Controlled by circumstances
Gets angry easily
Seems phony to some
Never Grows Up
Hates to be alone
Needs to be center stage
Wants to be popular
Looks for credit
dominates conversations
Interrupts and doesn't listen
answers for others
Fickle and forgetful
Makes excuses
Repeats stories

I am thinking that people who know me would say that is pretty dang accurate....

so what are you?

2005-02-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today would be a good day to tell a classic Jamie story....

I was working at Metro V Athletic Club teaching swim lessons.

The Athletic Club is on a road that is U shaped, and last summer there was a classic car show being held at the opposite end of the road as the club.

I taught my lessons and got in my ex boyfriends 1983 rusty Honda. I mean it was a falling apart piece of beauty.

I waited at the driveway and there were classic cars that kept going by but no one would let me in. I tried to edge my way in but that didn't work.

So I got a little impatient and tried to wave and smile my way out of the driveway, but that didn't work.

So I mouthed to the other drivers that I would like in, and that didn't work.

So I yelled out my window that I would like in, and that didn't work either.

I was thinking "what kind of jerks drive classic cars anyways"

Getting frustrated, I finally honked my horn and smiled sweetly as a Rolls Royce let me in in front of him.

Finally.

So I was in the middle of these classic beautiful cars in my rusty old 83 Honda, and as we turned the corner of the U I see people lined up on the sides of the road.

You have got to be kidding me.

In typical Jamie fashion, I just honked, smiled, and waved myself right into the middle of a classic car parade, driving my rusty 83 Honda.

I mean there are Rolls Royces and Corvettes and Caddys and me...

So I did what any reasonable person in my situation would have done..... I turned on some "I got friends in low places" as loud as I could on my radio and waved to the crowds like I owned them.

just another day in my life as an afterschool special.

2005-02-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

This weekend I experienced God.

I know that it easy for people to put God in a box and say how He does or does not work. I am not trying to say that this is the ONLY way to experience God, or even the only way that I personally have experienced Him... but this weekend I came to know God in a more intimate way then I ever have before.

This has been a hard six months for me. I have lost friendships and ended a long term abusive relationship. I struggled to know if I was lovable, and I tried to fill that void with a new relationship. I grieved over death. I lost my car and my job. I moved back into the bottoms and I changed churches. I began a new ministry.

I have struggled to maintain my identity when everything I knew about who I was began to change.

Wave after wave of disappointment and disillusionment have swept over me. Every time I thought I had a footing another wave came and sent me off balance again. Sometimes I thought I was drowning, and sometimes I felt like I was just trying to make it through the day.

And in all of my pain, and all of my trails, I tried to give God glory. I wanted so desperately to worship Him, to honor Him, to serve Him. I know the scripture. I know the truth about God. I wanted to prove that I knew He was in the midst of my struggle.

In the past six months I have truly become a servant of God.

But last night I experienced God in a new way.

I attended a Youth For Christ Confrence over the weekend, and I had been to a seminar on Healthy Missionaries and one on Knowing God, and I felt raw and exposed and challenged.

During worship the band began to play Blessed Be Your Name. As those words rolled around in my head my heart began to break.

I slid to the floor and laid my head against the seat and wept.

I came to God not as a servant to master, but as a daughter to her daddy.

I cried and told him that I needed to feel protected, understood, and loved. I wanted nothing more then to sit at his feet and feel His touch. I wanted to be wrapped in His love. I wanted Him to hold me.

As I sobbed I laid my insecurities, my doubts, and my fears at His throne. I held the pieces of my dreams in my hands and offered them to Him. I cried as I told Him that I did have anything to give Him that wasn’t broken or used.

I was honest about how broken I felt, how abandoned I felt, and how hurt I was. I told Him that I was weary. I was fighting so so hard for Him as a servant, that I didn’t think I could come as a daughter . I knew all the scripture and all the truth and all the answers, but it didn’t change the way the trails had made me feel.

I laid down my broken and lost relationships, my ministry, my finances, my job...

and the music played.... "Though there is pain in the offering... blessed be your name".

I had come to God, But I still had not allowed God to come to me.

Then Dan Webster came and talked about God calling Samuel, and as he closed his message he asked us to sit in the quiet and listen for God to speak to us.

I felt like I needed to write out what I was feeling, and so I grabbed a pen and wrote

what is it you fear?

At first I tried to convince myself I wasn’t afraid, because the Lord is my Light and my Salvation whom shall I fear, and perfect love expels all fear.

I know what the bible says, but that isn’t what I felt.

I heard again

what is it you fear?

so I wrote.

"Who will want to marry me? Will I ever get married?
Where will I work and when will I find a job?
Where will I live and what will my ministry be?
Who us going to protect me?
Who is going to love me?
Who is going to fight for me?
Who is going to care for me?
Who is going to understand me?"

I sat for a moment with tears streaming down cheeks and I heard a voice in my head say

"I AM."

"what?" I asked outloud. I wrote down what I felt I was hearing word for word and I want to share it...

"I AM.

I AM the one who seeks your attention. I AM the one who has moved heaven and earth to get to you. I AM the one who fights for you. I have cut away what separates... I want YOU. The real you. The broken you. The you that doesn’t have all the answers. The you that isn’t trying so hard to be spiritual that you miss the spirit. I want you Jamie. I want you to NEED me . Not man. not things. ME. Because I AM.

You are my daughter and I love you. I am sorry this is hard, I am sorry you are hurting. But I promise, I PROMISE that I AM. I AM with you. I AM good. I AM your creator, your maker, your master, your husband, your father, and your God. I AM all you need. I AM He who gives and takes away. I AM the only one who knows you. I know everything about you. I knew everything about you before a single day had passed... and I AM the one who loves you still.
trust in me... I AM enough."

I sat for a moment, tears rolling my cheeks in awe and in worship. I felt a peace that transcended understanding... I knew the scripture, but it had never been so real to me as in that moment.

I had experienced God, and he is I AM.

2005-02-11T04:02:00.000-05:00

Astro Pops are my favorite candy in the world. They make me smile. See. Big smile.

2005-02-10T03:26:00.000-05:00

In my description of myself, I claimed that I loved the roller coaster of life, both the highs and the lows, because it is in those highs and lows that you truly know you are living.

Lately that thought has been put to the test. In a moment of lows do I still enjoy the ride?

I believe that each experience in life is an opportunity to learn and grow, and each experience has the ability to make you better or make you bitter.

But the choice between the two is yours to make.

There are times when no matter how much you desire something , how much you fight for it, and how much you believe in it, it can not or will not exist outside of your hopes or dreams.

And there is a time when you have to decide if you are going to keep struggling, keep hoping, or gracefully walk away.

The choice is never easy. Because your heart wants to hold out hope, and you fear what letting go will mean. But if you are honest with yourself, the choice has already been made for you.

The truth is holding on only hurts you, and takes you one step closer to becoming bitter and one step farther from becoming better.

And so you mourn the loss of what could have been. You cry. You get angry. But you think back over this experience and you realize that you will grow because of it, and that you wouldn't change a thing.

You have made mistakes along the way.

You weren't perfect.

You were real and you were flawed.

But you fought as hard as you knew how.

You loved as deeply as you were able.

You believed as truly as you were capable.

And as much as it hurts, you can walk away knowing you truly lived the moment. You experienced the ride.

and end the end, I still believe that's what counts.

2005-02-09T14:30:00.000-05:00

I often quote songs on my blog when I dont have the right words for what I want to say. One the songs that has been on repeat in my player the past couple of days is Patty Griffin's Rain. It is all at once a sad song and a song of hope.... It is, in my friend Kateys words, "a song so good it makes me hurt". And it has been wonderfully rainy and meloncholy outside, which seems fitting.....

so the words to Rain....

its hard to listen to a hard hard heart
beating close to mine
pounding up against the stone and steel
walls that i won't climb

sometimes the hurt is so deep deep deep
you think that youre gonna drown
sometimes all i can do is weep weep weep
with all this rain falling down

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
but im holding on underneath this shroud
ra-a-a-in

its hard to know when to give up the fight
somethings you want will just never be right
its never rained like it has tonight before
now i don't want to beg you baby
for something maybe you could never give
im not looking for the rest of your life
i just want another chance to live

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
but im holding on underneath this shroud
ra-a-a-in

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
but im holding on underneath this shroud
ra-a-a-in

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
but im still alive underneath this shroud
ra-a-a-in
ohh ra-a-a-in
ohh ra-a-a-in

2005-02-08T04:10:00.000-05:00

these are my girls. are they not too cute?

2005-02-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

I was just talking with my girlie girls on the Rumor Forum about this... and i cant think of anything new to post

My question is why do men buy you drinks.

of course there is the standard "I may have a chance of taking her home if I get her drunk enough" but what if that isnt a chance?

This weekend I went out Friday, Sat and Sun... which I never do.. and I guess I have been out of the bar for a while, but I was amazed at the men.

To be honest I drank too much this weekend... I think i drank more this weekend then I have in two years... but I only bought two beers for myself all weekend

On friday I was at a local pub with My DAD, my stepmom, our neighbors, and my sister and brother listening to a band and I bought one coors light.

and over the course of the evening men bought me quite a few more beers, and even some shots and I had two mixed drinks.

and I was with my DAD.

so its not like the men thought I was going home with them

I went to Ocharlies with my sister and a friend and we sat at the bar and had a beer and finished it and the bartender put another beer in front of us. and then the manager comes over with a shot of tequila for each of us and says its on the house.

and truth be told, I loved it. It made me feel sassy. and girlie. and ... like I dont need no stinking man... I have options.

I just wonder why?

I mean I didnt even talk to half of these guys. and drinks are expensive.

what about me says "buy me a drink" this weekend that hasnt been there before...

well at least not to this extent?

and if it works on drinks do you think I could use it other places. like DSW or IKEA or even Target?

2005-02-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Once again, I think a song speaks for itself.

This has been in my CD player for the past couple of days

From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.

She is strong enough to stand in your love.

I can hear her say..
I am weak. I am poor, I'm broken Lord but I'm yours.

Hold me Now. Hold me Now.

Let the first without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
to say my beloved is borrowed and used

she is strong enough to stand in my love...

I can hear say...

I am weak, I am poor, I am broken Lord but I'm yours.

Hold me now....
hold me now....

Jennifer Knapp
"Hold me now"

2005-02-02T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is my new niece Allie June. She is the cutest thing I have even seen in my life, and I plan to spoil her. I already have ideas of pink dresses and ribbions and tutus.

2005-02-01T11:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I am not cut out to be a mentor.

I look at these girls, who look at me so desperately wanting love and affection and attention and I am so afraid I will let them down.

I am so afraid I will do it wrong.

I am afraid because I know how broken I am, how sinful I am, and how much I feel the same way they do.

I don't have all the answers. In fact, I often have the same questions and fears and doubts that they do

But every now and then something happens and for just a moment I see this glimpse of God through them.

Today I was laying in my bed not really wanted to get out of it and K called me and asked me if I could take her to the mall to get an outfit for next weeks Valentines All Area Club.

and as much as I wanted to pull the covers back over my head I agreed to pick her up and take her shopping. (shopping usually can get me out of bed)

When K got in the car she noticed right away that I seemed sad and as much as I tried to convince her I was fine, she saw right through me.

So I opened up and shared what was on my heart and mind, and how I was struggling. I told her about how I felt rejected, and how I wish we could make people love us, but we cant.

And then something kind of amazing happened. I was able to use my own hurt as an example of how God loves us so deeply, and how much he desires for us to love him back and to want Him, and how he wants us to desire and pursue Him, but he cant and wont MAKE us. It is our choice to love him or to walk away.

And then I said "If I am this sad over such a silly circumstance, imagine how God, who created you, feels when you chose other things above Him. He loves you so deeply, and His greatest desire is that you love him back"

And she understood. For the first time she understood free will, and she understood the relationship aspect of God and not just the religion of knowing him. And in explaining to her, it became real to me all over again.

God used me, in my brokenness, to illustrate His love for her in a way she could hold on to.

It was ok I didn't have the answers, and I wasn't "fine", and I was hurting and broken myself.

because when I am weak He is strong....

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from Go that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

maybe I can do this after all.....

2005-01-31T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have been sitting here looking at this very blank screen. There is so much on my heart and in my head that I want to share, but I feel like I have run out of words.

Iam weary. I am tired. In every way possible. I am sad, and I am drained, and I feel emtionally overloaded. I am so tired my whole body hurts. I am tired of thinking, and tired of feeling. I am tired of doubting, and tired of trusting. I am tired of fighting, and tired of letting go.

I need to sleep, because I havent slept in a while, but I cant make the world stop long enough to close my eyes.

What I am most greatful for at moments like these is the belief in something so much bigger then myself. I know that trials will come and go, and I will be stronger for them... and while I may feel very battle weary and tire at this moment, I know my strength does not come from myself

Isaiah 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

2005-01-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

I think to truly understand why my life is an afterschool special you need to spend the weekend with my family.

They are wonderful, and so much fun, but where my family goes adventure soon follows.

This weekend was no exception.

I was at my mom and dads house in Michigan. On Saturday night we had a house full of guests and my mother wanted to make something for dinner for all of them. She was cooking lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs, and garlic bread all at once while we played cards and caught up on each others lives.

She called for the girls to come and help her and as we walked into the kitchen we saw flames coming from the stove top. The oil from the noodles had spilled over onto the burner and ignited.

Oh yeah, it was on fire.

We all stood looking at it for a moment trying to decide how to put it out. We knew enough to know you couldn't put water on it.

My little sister Staci was the first to spring into action. She grabbed a towel and started to fan the flame, which of course made it grow.

My Aunt Mindy yelled for my mom to put baking soda on the fire. My mom looked in the cupboard and yelled she didn't have baking soda, so she reached in and pulled out a box of corn starch and threw it on the flames, which also made it grow.

My Aunt Mindy said "I said baking soda not corn starch."

My mom yelled back "Its the same thing" and then yelled for my dad to help.

So now my mom, my Dad, my two sisters, my sisters boyfriend Ben, five of my cousins, my aunt, three of my uncles, and I are all standing in the kitchen watching the fire.

My Aunt Mindy yells for salt to throw on the fire and my mom reaches over the stove and grabs a salt grinder and starts twisting.

My aunt tells her that wont work we need baking soda and table salt.

My mom turns and yells. "I don't have any. What do you want from me. Do you want me to go to the store and get some"

At which point my sisters and I start laughing and are of no use at all.

Finally my sisters boyfriend reaches over and grabs a lid to a pan and throws it over the flames, which causes it to die down but not extinguish, so he sets the lasagna on top of it too. Then me and my dad blow out the fire.

My mom opens the oven to get out the garlic bread and it is on fire too.

There is smoke everywhere, corn starch all over the kitchen and us, the dinner is burnt, and my sisters and I cant stop laughing.

In the end we survived. We laughed and ate burnt Italian. It was wonderful and it was family.

My mother called it the fire of 2005.

And every time we tell the story it gets a little better.

because that's just part of having a life as an afterschool special.

2005-01-17T15:54:00.000-05:00

these are my new shoes. they are bad ass.

2005-01-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2005-01-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

Stability.

We all long for it.

A place to call home. Somewhere we belong. Someone we know will be there for us regardless of the circumstance.

I have longed for stability all my life, but change has always been a part of my vocabulary.

I have moved 25 times in 26 years. I went to nine schools by the time I was in highschool.

I know how to start over, how to move on, how to reinvent myself. I know how not look back, not question and not doubt, how to ease the pain and lonliness by forgetting, and how to just go with life.

but the past year I have wanted more.

Oh how I have wanted more.

and stability always seemed just out of reach.

I was engaged to a man I thought could bring me stability. But he couldnt. He couldnt fill the space in my heart, and as much as I think he wanted to, he could not love me or make me feel loved or stable. But I stayed with him anyways. Despite the cost, and the tears and the pain, I stayed with him. Because I wanted stability more then I wanted happiness.

But this year I finally let go

I found a church with people who wanted to love me and help me and encourage me. I thought, surely this will bring me stability. ANd when things happened I didnt agree with I stayed anyways. Because I would rather have stability then growth.

But this year I finally let go.

And there have been other things.

I have watch death come and destroy dreams and hopes in the past month. I have moved, I lost my car, and just last week I was laid off my job I have had more then a year.

and so stability seemed elusive still.

and yet something is diffrent. Because I am realizing that sometimes you have to choice what is best, and healthiest, and safest, even if you think that will mean losing the foundations of your stability.

I have begun to realize that it was the very foundations that I was wrong about. I had put my all my hope and my trust in things in this world. I had begun to believe that stability came from man, or marriage, or people, or places or things. And that simply isnt true.

Stability doesnt come from circumstance or surrondings.

It comes from an unwavering peace that the price, and the conditions, and the circumstance of my life can not change.

It comes from knowing that God is in control, and that he works all things together for the good.

It comes from knowing that even when I feel weak I can do all things through Him.

I am learnng that I will stay strong. I will remain the same because God remains the same. I will take the good and the bad, I will take the blessings and the challenges, and I face them both head on.

And it doesnt matter where I work or where I live or who I am with.

I feel like like the scarecrow at the end of wizard of Oz. Because I am learning that I what I was searhing so hard to find already was buried deep within me already. Its not elusive at all. I have stability. I dont have to search it out. I only have to live it out. one step, one moment, one circumstance at a time.

2004-12-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

Each day we live we get another step closer to dying.

The reality of this statement hit me hard yesterday as I went to two funerals in a row.

Two different young lives cut down by the carelessness of a drunk driver on Christmas day.

The services were amazing.

And I cried.

I was heartbroken.

But my tears were more for the family and friends who had to let go, who had to face life without their loved ones, then for the deaths themselves.

Because I know these boys knew Jesus. And I know today, right now, at this very minute, they are in heaven.

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with God. And that in heaven He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils will be gone forever.

There is such a peace that comes from truly knowing the Lord.

There is such comfort even in the darkest moments because we know that there is something so much greater at work.

The Bible says “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”

Brandon and Josh saw the unseen.

They put their hope in something greater then themselves.

They lived each moment like it counted, and today they are in heaven.

There is an even greater tragedy then being killed by a drunk driver on Christmas day or then dying at a young age. While these things are awful, and even indescribable, a greater tragedy is living your life without the peace and hope that only God can bring.

We will all die someday.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

It could have been any one of us in that car that night.

And it wouldn’t matter if you were a good person or you had money or talent or you had many friends.

At that moment, when the life left your body all that would matter is if you know God, and you were known by him.

Just something to think about, because every day we live we get another step closer to dying.

2004-12-29T09:34:00.000-05:00

In memory of Josh Worthington, Lucas Carmean, and Brandon Kent.....

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear one, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send to you a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I send to you a memory of my underlying love.
After all, "love" is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as the Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings, or the love he has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

‘Author Unknown’

2004-12-28T13:48:00.000-05:00

I love music.

Often times, I hear music in my head. The perfect tune, the perfect lyrics... the soundtrack to my life. When I run out of words to say, music speaks for me.

and today I have run out of my own words. But I keep hearing hearing music in my head. so I thought I would share my song and maybe give you a little glimpse into my heart today.

Soon it will be hammered into what she calls her silly head
That she really isn't silly but she's beautiful instead
But every time she gets a hold of something pretty, it slips away

So she keeps hoping that someday soon

He will come. He will come He will comfort all that's hardened
change the deserts into gardens and we all will see His face.
He will come. He will come.
He will soften all the starkness
Break the chambers of our darkness and we'll all be overwhelmed

She spilled her coffee in her Chevy on the way to work at 8:05
She always thought that she was clumsy and she hated it and wondered why
She can handle any tragedy that happens but not little things like this
So she keeps hoping that someday soon

Within the world of a girl, the words she hears they mean an awful lot
And the music in her mind when she gets older has the lyrics she was taught
and when she gets to heaven all the right things will be said

And He will look on her with favor

All my scars will turn to fountains
All my valleys into mountains
And we all will see His face
All you watchmen lift your voices
Then every boy and girl rejoices
when we'll all be overwhelmed

by Waterdeep

2004-12-26T01:54:00.000-05:00

Today I was blessed to be a witness of the joy of giving.

My parents and their friends collected gifts for a family that Erica and I know from the bottoms. When we walked into their house I was taken aback for a moment.

There was no furniture.

There was no tree.

There was no signs of Christmas at all.

I felt like Santa walking in with my sister, carrying three big garbage bags full of toys and shoes and clothes for their family. We only gave them the coats and shoes, and gave all the toys to their mother so she could have something to give them from her.

And I know christmas isnt about the gifts and the toys, but just at her face.

She smiled.

A real true beautiful smile.

And for a moment she forgot about the stresses of the day and her bills and how hard it is to be a single mother of six kids, and in the process, reminded me all over again about the meaning of Christmas.

2004-12-26T01:07:00.000-05:00

The family

2004-12-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
It doesn't show signsof stopping
And I've bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
When we finally kissgoodnight
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight
All the way home I'll be warm
The fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still goodbying
But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

it is snowing. and it is beautiful and delightful, and I like it a lot.

2004-12-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

The meaning of Christmas....

Isaiah 9

6For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. And the government will rest on his shoulders. These will be his royal titles: Wonderful Counselor,Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 7His ever expanding, peaceful government will never end. He will rule forever with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David. The passionate commitment of the LORD Almighty will guarantee this!

Isaiah 11
1Out of the stump of David's family will grow a shoot--yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root. 2And the Spirit of the LORD will rest on him--the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD. 3He will delight in obeying the LORD. He will never judge by appearance, false evidence, or hearsay. 4He will defend the poor and the exploited. He will rule against the wicked and destroy them with the breath of his mouth. 5He will be clothed with fairness and truth.

2004-12-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

This weekend there was a fire in my neighborhood.

My sister and I had people over, and about two in the morning we heard sirens. We opened the front door to see where the fire trucks were headed and smoke billowed in our house.

Everyone at our "get together" put on coats and ran outside to see what was on fire.

When we got one street over we discovered that a recently vacated house was on fire. A family had lived in the home for years but couldn't pay their bills and was forced to leave it behind in October. There were many neighbors in their pajamas and coats outside in the 20 degree weather discussing their ideas of the cause of the fire. We knew homeless people and drug addicts had occasionally stayed in that house for warmth, and the general consensus was that one of them set the fire.

We stood watching the firefighters put out the fire for a while, and then slowly drifted back to our house.

The whole situation made me think though. People are so strange. We are so drawn to the drama... The fires, the car wrecks, the fights. We instinctively want to know what is happening, who started it, and why. We feel so connected to others standing in the middle of chaos sharing our own ideas and gossiping.

And somehow in all that we lose a bit of our compassion.

When we slow down to "gawk" at a car accident we think more about being stuck in traffic then about the people whose lives are forever changed because of the wreck.

When we see neighbors fight, we are entertained, and we don't stop to think about the hurt and the anger and frustration that must be inside to bring them to this point.

When we pass homeless people on the street or when we see them going into vacant buildings, we automatically judge what they are doing why they are homeless, and often we lose compassion or chance of understanding.

When I saw there was a fire I ran to it not because I was worried for someone's welfare, but because I was curious.

When I first though about writing about this, I wanted to tell a fun story about yet another crazy night in the bottoms. I was going to be funny and witty and paint a picture of the drama.

But I am realizing I am so "me" focused. I want to be entertained and entertaining, I want to be challenged, I want to belong and feel accepted. I don't want to be inconvenienced or responsible.

and maybe it is just because it is Christmas season and its the end of the year and naturally we are prone to reflect on our lives and think about others this time of year, or maybe I just didn't very much sleep this weekend, but as I sat down to type this something so much deeper then a party and a fire was on my heart.

at what point do I put "me" aside and begin to see things through the eyes of other people?

2004-12-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

So I have talked a lot about my adventures living in the bottoms and I just thought I would share the reason I moved there.

About two years ago while living with my parents, I began to do a ministry with Grove City Nazerene church. We would get in a church bus and drive to the bottoms to shelters and to the places where the homeless peeple live and pick them up and take them to church. I loved the people I met... they were so broken and raw and real. They were fighters. They inspired me and encouraged me and I wanted to know them more, but I was afraid.

Sundays I would get in my shiny red convertible "minister" to the people of the bottoms and then go back to my Dads house in the country and ride my horse and sit in the hottub and try to feel righteous.

But God was working on my heart. I wanted to understand these people. I wanted to love them. I was inspired by them, but to be honest I still thought they were lazy and criminals and hopeless. I didn't get them.

And I didn't really love them even though I said I did.

So I moved to the bottoms. It was hard. Really really hard. I remember one Sunday after I had moved there I sat in my car in the church parking lot and cried.

I would like to say I cried for the people and their struggles and their souls. But I didn't. I cried for myself.

I cried for my flesh because to be honest my flesh hated the people. I even yelled at God and told him that the people were dirty and smelly and drunk and mean and rude and they just kept taking and taking.

I sat in the car and felt sorry for my self until some people from the bottoms came and asked me what was wrong, I just said I was having a hard day. You know what happened then? THEY told ME that I was loved. THEY asked ME if they could pray for me. And they reached out their "dirty smelly" hand and reached for mine

And I cried even harder.

Because I was ashamed. Because at that moment I was so very ugly and they were so very beautiful.

Because I was so concerned with the outside of the cup and I didn't even look at the inside.

So I have learned to love the sinner and hate the sin. BECAUSE I AM THE SINNER. And these people aren't hopeless and criminals.

They are lost and broken and hurting and they need JESUS in me. What ever you have done unto the least of these you have done unto me. Now I know what that means.

I try. I mean I love them as best as I know how. I reach out. I open my home. I invite them over. I don't tell them they can't cuss or smoke or drink around me. I tell them that I love them anyways because I know that God does too. I have gone to places I didnt want to go because that's where they are. And if they don't want to come to God maybe a little bit if God can come to them.

And its worth it. all the drama, the drive bys, the fights, the tears, the frustration. Its all worth it.

2004-12-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

So I think I am sooooo officially a nerd.

Because I have internet friends.

whom I love

and who are in Nashville at a concert at this very moment without me.

AND that makes me SAD.

sure I have "real friends" in the "real world" but now I miss my other friends. my "special online friends" I talk to everyday at work. You would be amazed how well you get to know some people if you just talk daily from 9 -5. Honestly.

a big gaggle of them got together this weekend and I wish I was playing too.

so yeah... I crossed that line... what ever seperates "computer people" from "everyday folk"

I just want my friends to come back and play with me.

2004-12-11T10:06:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you decide as much as you love the kids from the bottoms, you like your fake tree to have ALL the branches attached, you like pearls and ribbons more then crumbled up newspaper, and you need to decorate your own tree

2004-12-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when kids from the bottoms decorate your tree. Yes they did only use five of the branches that actually go in tree, and yes, that is crumbled up newspaper ads and our "WELCOWE" sign someone made us, but its the thought that counts.... right?

2004-12-01T14:21:00.000-05:00

so someone we dont know from the bottoms came to the door yesterday with the gas bill we put in our mailbox in their hands.

it was opened.

they said they found it on the street and brought it to us

when we thanked them they asked if we had any money to give them.

I am not sure what I think about this whole thing

2004-11-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

I had to go down to the courthouse this weekend and pay a ticket I forgot about that had turned into a warrent.

I really wanted to take care of it, because this wasnt my first warrent. I had been through the "system" before, although I still maintain my last warrent wasnt my fault.

Most people dont know that I am a jail bird

Yeah I've done hard time.

I been in the big house, up the river, in the clink...

I WALKED the green mile.....

I LIVED Shawshank man....

ok well maybe that is a streach but I did spend the night in jail once.

I had been in the depths of despair and had gone over to a friends for a girls night. Let me help you visualize. I was wearing Pajama bottoms, a tank top, a cardigan and no shoes. I had been crying so my eyes were red and my face was puffy and I had been running my hands through my hair so it was a mess. NOT my finest moment.

I am driving home around eleven and I see the po po behind me. UGH. I was in the wrong lane and had to switch in the middle of an intersection. This isnt going to be good.

so of course the lights go on and I pull over. The police man comes to my window and asks me if I have been drinking. Now this isnt an unusual question giving my driving ability. I once had to get out of the car and do a road test when I hadnt had a sip. Thats why you shouldnt put on lipgloss and drive.

I say "no officer of course I havent been drinking". He asks me to step out of the car which I do in my bare feet. He then pushes me up against the car and handcuffs me.

you have got to be freakin kidding me.....

I of course panic... I start rattling off questions at warp speed "whats happening.... what did I do.... why am I in trouble..."

He reads me my rights.

I didnt get it. Why am I in this situation? He takes me to his car and shows me that there is a warrent out for my arrest for failure to appear.

I had gotten a ticket for not having my plate on the front of my car and I went to court. I did appear I even brought someone with me. But according to his little computer I was a fugitive.

I actually started to relax. I mean this was all just a mistake. Surely they will fix it.

He radios the Police in the county my ticket is in and they ask him to transport "the suspect". Oh yeah.

Police Man 1 and I drive to the police academy and I get out of his car, unhandcuffed, rehandcuffed and lead to a new car.

Police Man 2 is some cocky younger guy. He looks at me and says "Have you been behaving for the officer"

"Um I guess"

"what do you mean you guess? have you been a good little girl?" he replies

"Dont talk to me like that" I shoot back before being forced into the back seat of his car.

he is listening to Rage Against the Machine. yeah this is going to be pleasent....

Police Man 2 takes me to jail, fingerprints me , takes my mug shot, and puts me in a cell by myself. He tells me he isnt sure how much my bail is, but the judge only works on thursdays, so I may have to be here a while. Its Monday.

you have got to be kidding me.

let me tell you no time is like jail time. It goes by soooooo slow. Minutes seem like hours.

Finally he comes back and tells me my bail is 255 dollars.

Its 3am. I try to call my house and no one answers. I try to call my friends and they are sleeping. Finally I reach my parents. My step mom answers the phone.

"Mom Im in jail and I need someone to bail me out"

"Tim its for you, your daughters in Jail"

great. I make them so proud.

so my dad agrees to come and get me and I am lead to a holding cell with other women. UGH.

A drunk woman comes up to me and says in a slurrred voice " You aint got no shoes on"

"Dont talk to me" is my only answer. So much for that prision ministry.

My dad FINALLY got there about 4am and bailed me out

I seriously cant spent time in jail. I will turn into some womans girlfriend real quick. I am CLEARLY not cut out for it.

But yeah I've done hard time...

so that is why I had to pay my ticket to clear my warrent and why I am carrying the paper to prove I did on me as we speak.

Momma didnt raise no fool

just another chapter in my life as an afterschool special.

2004-11-10T10:58:00.000-05:00

I had the craziest "boys from the hood" experience this weekend.

My sister and I were supposed to go to the movies with some guys we know from the neighborhood.

Erica and I show up at their house to see the guys and they are fuming mad. Apparently someone stole their "rims" and they thought they knew who did. They drove to the house where the men they think stole their rims live, and sure enough, there they were with the stolen rims.

Chris gets mad and punches the guy who stole his rims in the face. Then all these guys come running out of the house and jump on chris and lil bill gets out and goes after the guys. One of the guys who stole the rims picks up a brick and throws it through chris’s van window.

the boys jump in the van and take off towards lil bills house. and that was just the beginning. because they are followed by the boys who stole the rims.

from this moment on I will refer to them as the bad men.

so the bad men get to lil bills house and start yelling at lil bill and Chris from their truck . They put their car in reverse and smash into lil Bills Caddy, and then they drive through the grass and try to run Chris over.

Screaming that they are going to kill Chris and Lil Bill. by that time the neighbors have called the police, so the police come and the bad men take off. the police take a report and try to go find the bad men but the drama still isnt over.

Erica and I just want to go to the movies but Lil Bill gets on the phone with Anthony and tells him what happened. So Anthony shows up at the house with a freaking 22, and then chris and Lil Bill get their guns too.

are you freaking kidding me.

We are sitting in the house and these cars keep circling the block and all of a sudden lil bill hits the lights and yells get down.

So my sister and I run to the hallway and duck while the boys go outside with their guns. We are crouched in the dark they come back inside and Erica and I decide its time to get the hell out of Dodge.

and I am so thinking that I am going to get shot on the way to the car.

Erica and I leave and get gas and talk about what to do and decide we are going to the movies and the boys are gonna with us.

Because this is just stupid. why wait at the house to get shot.

so we drive back to the boys and pull up as Terry pulls up. Its Terrys house and everyone just stays there. He is like a Kingpin. I mean what he says goes.

He is big guy and walks in wearing a fubu jump suit and carrying a 25.

The gun was actually really cute (if you can describe a gun as cute) and silver plated, and if I ever have a gun I want it to be like terrys.

But I digress So terry sits in this big recliner and says “tell me what happened.”

I say “Terry you need to end all this. Its just stupid” and he says “I need to protect whats mine”

It was like a scene out of the God father. I am so not kidding.

Lil Bill and Chris and Anthony start telling him what happened. Lil Bill says “And they hit my f*ing car” Terry looks at him and says “you’ll have that” Then they try to tell Terry something else that he doesn’t need to hear and he just waves his hand to quiet them.

They start talking about who these guys are and what kind of weapons they have and I am on the verge of tears. Mainly because I am frustrated.

My sister is trying to explain why everyone should just leave the house and I get mad and I tell Terry that he is stupid if he sits in his house and waits to have a shootout and that hes better than this. And this is just stupid and he should come with my sister and I because we are freaking going to the movies and if he had any sense in his head he would leave too.

And he actually listened. And agreed. And even though Lil bill was yelling about about it terry said everyone had to leave the house and go to the movies. We saw cookout which is the dumbest movie ever.

and that my friends, is yet another day in my life as an afterschool special

2004-10-28T08:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight we are passing out candy for "beggars night" in the bottoms. I cant wait!

Our house is right on the corner so we should see lots of activity. I am so excited to see all the kids in costume!

Plus I am excited to pass out candy because it gives us lots of amazing chances to witness not even with our words, but just by loving the people.

We have been in the bottoms one month and have seen and heard some crazy stuff.

In fact, my roommates and I are making a book to remember our time down here were we put quotes from people in the bottoms. We are calling it...

how you know you do ministry in the bottoms

you hear.....

"when you break into a car you open the fuel tank. Cause that's where the crack heads keep their rocks"

"I don't care I will hit them in the head with a Mother F-n toaster I will put my fingers in one slot and my thumb in the other slot and I will beat in their face then I will step on their heads. I know how to use a toaster"

"I went to this one school and they bought us clothes. I went to this other school and they bought us Christmas stuff. This other school had this girl who was my best friend. She asked me to do something I didn't want to so I stabbed her with scissors"

"And I know what the police are trying to do I watch mother f-n law and order."

(while coming over during dinner and staring at us eat) "I like your house how much you pay? You like that food? You eat it a lot? It taste good? How much is your house? You cuss?"

"A bond will insure you no matter what you drive. Unless its a Lexus"

Just some things that make me laugh over the past month.

Happy beggars Night!

2004-10-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

This weekend I got to sit down with ten very different people and play Cranium.

It is the best game EVER.

If you have never played, it is a mix of all games into one.

Its like playing Trivia pursuit, Charades, Pictionary, Win lose or Draw, Song Burst, and Gestures all at once.

There is also a category where you use playdough to sculpt and another category where you have to spell and fill in the missing words.

What I like most about Cranium is that there is always someone who is good at something but no one has to be good at everything.

I like to act, my sister liked to draw, my other roommate Christina can hum almost any song, our friend Luke is a potter so he can sculpt, my friend Tim can spell almost anything, and my friend Jeff liked it all.

We also had friends from different churches who didn't even really know eah other on teams, and it brought a sense of unity.

we all could take turns doing what we like to do and work towards a common goal

Sadly even with our vast array of talent, and even though it WAS my birthday, my team did not win

but good times were had by all.

if you like to play board games I HIGHLY suggest you give Cranium a try.

2004-10-14T11:04:00.000-05:00

On The Rumor Forum today I read about how Bill O'Reilly is being sued for sexual harassment

you can read her complaint here

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1013043mackris1.html

Ok so I am taking a big leap here, and at the chance of offending....

I read the whole thing and while I totally agree that bill is a male chauvenist pig i also think....

this woman is an idiot.

seriously.

she just is.

I hate that about some woman. and maybe I just dont "get it" but this woman repeatedly went to dinner with Bill... repetedly talked to him on the phone, when asked about phone sex her FIRST response was "I have never had phone sex and it doesnt really intrest me" which is diffrent from "this is not appropaite conversation"

she did not hang up when he talked dirty, (in fact waited until he climaxed on MORE then one occasion ), and if you read the part where it gets all descriptive, she waited and listened to ALL of it. I mean she didnt hang up or get off the phone as soon as he started talking about her in a shower, she let him talk to her explicitly,she LISTENED to details.

she most likely laughed at his jokes, left the company AND came back for even after a supposed year of sexual harassment, and still had a "personal" relationship with Bill.

it just FRUSTRATES me.

maybe I am alone

Should men talk to woman that way.

No not really, but as women, dont we draw the line on what is appropiate or not?

I mean, if a woman giggles and listens to you talk about sex until you climax repeatedly, if she contines to have dinner alone with you, contnues to accept your calls what are you to think except that its ok to talk to her like that?

It is frustating to me because it dismisses times when a woman truly has said no, drawn firm lines, and is still harassed.

thats my friends is my rant for today

2004-10-13T08:54:00.000-05:00

I admit it.

I haven't blogged in a while.

I cant think about what to write.

I am distracted beyond reason.

I am preoccupied and over-whelmed.

I am bordering on obsessive.

I wish I had a good reason for this but I don't.

I wish I could say I was in love, or in deep thought, or pondering the mysteries of the universe, but no, it is so much more..... Shallow.... Then that.

Oh its true.

I have moved.

So now, I spend my time thinking about what would look better on my coffee table, and what could go above my desk in the livingroom, and where I can get a cool chair for my room that doesn't cost a lot.

We are having a house warming/my birthday party on Saturday so I have become downright obsessive trying to get the house perfect.

I am ridiculous. I may need a twelve step for this. I am not kidding.

Last night my grandmother brought my sister Erica a beautiful quilt she had made for her room. So of course that meant we had to go shopping to redo her room.

We had a great time, and found some really really cool stuff. ( I love spending other peoples money!) Which, of course, meant that we had to rearrange her room to even better showcase the new items. Our friend Jeff was over and we made him insane by moving things half an inch and then asking "does this look better here or here over" and over.

He left with a headache.

We didn't get done in Erica's room until midnight.

but did we stop there?

you bet your bottom we didn't!

Because my other roommate, Christina's, mom gave us the really cool old phone. I mean its really cool. But it lost its "umph" when just placed on the desk with other items. Of course then Christina and I had to stay up another hour moving this phone to ever possible surface in every room until we found someplace we liked it.

Side note: I am so glad she has become just as neurotic about our house as I have become. Insanity is so much better when it is shared with a friend.

So after we found a place for the phone then we had to sit up another half an hour and talk about how much we liked where the phone ended up, and how we need a book case, and how much we like how its all coming together.

We finally went upstairs at 1:30am. But did we go to bed.....

Sleep. We don't need no stinking sleep.

No. Because Erica's room is now so cool that it inspired Christina to go to her room and find a really neat place to hand some old pictures. Not to be outdone, I went to my room and tried to rearrange my pictures and find a place for the lamp I snagged out of my sisters room.

Then this morning, we talked in the bathroom about decorating and before I left Christina brought me to her room to show me her new idea.

This is clearly my cry for help.

Someone stop me please.

I cant think. I cant eat. I most certainly cant blog. I came into work and looked up Pier Ones website. During my lunch break I am going to the thrift store. The sad thing is I dont even have any money to buy things. I just like to walk around and look longingly at inanimate objects. I need to man. I need to.

Someone tell me to put down the decorative pillow and just walk away. Turn around and just walk away.

twelve steps.

"Hi. My name is Jamie. And I am a decorating addict"

2004-10-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

Today I have been thinking a lot about my "brothers". Not my real brothers, although I love them just oodles, but the male friends I have in my life right now.

I guess I have been thinking about them because they all showed up and helped me move on Friday, but it really goes deeper then that.

To be honest, I have a hard time accepting male friendships.

I dont trust men. And it isnt shocking once you know my background, but I think they want something more from me then I am willing to give... I think they will hurt me or use me or want me to be something I am not.

I know I have baggage (but at least it is pretty and matching baggage).

When I was in highschool I had three male friends I adored and trusted. Three. When I went away to college part of that trust was shattered at a party one night, and I didnt think I could get it back. I didnt think I would ever trust another man ever.

Then I moved to Minneapolis and I met Tim and Brian, two men I trust with my life. They helped me begin to heal old wounds and show me that I could be loved for just me. They honor me, they respect me, and they make me feel loved.

and then I moved again to Columbus, and I didnt think I would ever have that kind of trust with a man again.

But I do.

I have the most amazing male friends. They have made a commitment to me and stand by me when I cant make that same commitment back.

They are my brothers, my confidants, my protectors, and my supporters all rolled into one.

They have also been my movers, my carpenters, my painters, my mechanics, my electricians, my shopping buddies and my sounding boards.

They make me feel safe, and loved, and very very cared for.

They let me be silly and goofy and girlie, and they also let me cry and hold me close and tell me that its ok.

They help me know that there is hope, and they show me a part of themselves and a part of God I never really understood before.

So heres to you guys, I just wanted you to know how much I adore you, and how much your friendships mean to me.

Always,

Jamie lee

2004-10-01T08:34:00.000-05:00

I am moving today.

I have not written all week because I am not feeling nice.

In fact I am feeling rather sassy.

And I had to come to a half day at work today. And I usually love my job.

But not today.

I am here, but I am not here. I am split between decorating my new very very cute house in mind and making a to do/to move list in my mind.

Work may have my body, but I wont take my mind or my soul!

So for the good of everyone who knows me I will write on monday when all my sentences wont begin with four letter words.

have a good weekend.

2004-09-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

I've been wondering...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a crisp

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their privates when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your doctor leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to see you naked anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

anyone know the answers?

anyone been wondering anything else?

2004-09-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

Did you know....

I peed on my step brother Michaels head once.

Not on purpose mind you, but I did pee on him none the less.

We were little, around 9 or 10. He was in the basement lifting weights and he asked me to spot him. He did a few reps and then he couldn't do anymore and he asked me to help him pick the bar off his chest.

I straddled the bench and reached down to get the weights off but I began laughing at his frustration.... You know the kind of laughter that makes you unable to move... And the more angry he got the harder I laughed.

Then it happened. Standing there above him I laughed so hard I started to pee!

yep right on his head, as he was trapped helpless by the weights on his chest.

I couldn't help it and him yelling at me just made me laugh harder. It was running down his forehead and onto the floor. It was pretty gross, but it was really funny.

The funniest part is that he suddenly got the strength of ten men and threw the bar off of him. He didn't talk to me for a whole week, and in the past 15 years he has never once asked me to workout with him....

I think I will call him and see if he wants to hit the gym after work....

2004-09-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

There are many things I have learned in my life over the years.

Some of these things I learned by watching others, but in most things, I learn by experience.

I learn the hard way.

I am not always the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to common sense, and thus I find my life is an after school special.

Today is no exception.

Oh, it began like every other day. I began my ride to work, pink car gleaming in the sunshine and tunes blasting up out of my sunroof. I got to the exit where I normally switch highways. The exit was blocked off because of Vice President Chaney’s motorcade was driving through.

My car at a complete halt on the highway, I scanned the horizon. I didn’t see a motorcade, only police officers. I waited for a while but as I sat there my impatience grew. I reached up to brush the hair out of my face and my hand caught in its tangled mess. I shouldn’t keep my hair down with the windows and sunroof open. “Humm” I thought to myself. Then I had a brilliant idea. My gym bag was in the trunk of my car with a hairbrush in it. As long as we were stopped I could get it.

I opened the door and stepped out onto the highway in my bare feet. I didn’t get to open my trunk. A police man came running out of no where with his gun pointed at me and told me to step away from my car. Many more followed him. They told me to put my hands behind my head and patted me down, which wasn’t easy considering I am wearing a floor length skirt. I tried to explain that my hairbrush was in my trunk but they still had their guns on me as they searched my car. The reaction of the cars around me would have been amusing if I wasn’t terrified to have so many guns pointed at me.

They did find my hairbrush, and some gym clothes. There were no guns or explosives or whatever else they thought I might be hiding, although they did question me about my passport which was in my purse. I also had my Hebrew homework on the passenger seat. That didn’t help my case. I told them I wasn’t a killer just an idiot. They weren’t amused. The Vice Presidents car passed and they let me go, although a police car did follow me all the way to work.

Another lessoned learned. The hard way.

And that my friends, is why my blog is called my life as an after school special.

2004-09-17T09:22:00.000-05:00

"But hey that's just Jamie"

That was a statement said by my dear friend Tim last night after I apologized for having a meltdown.

At first, to be honest, I thought how very rude. Here I am trying to be real and you say "that's just Jamie"! That wasn't exactly the response I was looking for.

But then he elaborated.

Tim said he didn't mean to offend me, he just appreciated honest emotion. He didn't mind when I "freaked out" because it was real. It was me, being me, and that's why he said that's just Jamie.

Wait a minute.

After I hung up the phone I sat thought about his statement for a long time.

My whole life I have tried so very hard to be fun and silly and what I thought other people wanted me to be, and yet here was one of my dear friends, saying he loved me for everything ugly and raw and real.

wow. I just don't get it. It so goes against everything I have been telling myself for 25 years.

and I know there are friends who tell me the same. My friend Emily in highschool... Susie and Tim, and Kathy and Tim, and Sally, Dawn, Kim, Sara, and Brian in Minneapolis.. And there are people here in Ohio too.

The few and far between that I break down my walls with and stand exposed and real and who love me despite my flaws or perhaps even because of them.

People who are brave enough to look at me, even in the middle of my meltdown and say "that's just Jamie" with love and sincerity.

People who make me want to better and stronger. People who remind me that I am loved just for me.

And I am grateful, because last night, when I finally went to bed, it wasn't with all the days drama or my meltdown on my mind. It was with the words "just Jamie" and a feeling of being loved that I finally closed my eyes.

2004-09-14T11:04:00.000-05:00

I once wanted to be a writer.

A journalist.

I wanted to travel the world and see and touch and taste and understand the world and then communicate it in such a way that my reader felt what I felt and understood me. I wanted to paint with my words what Van Gogh could paint with a brush... I wanted to capture a moment a time and freeze it forever.

I used to write pages and pages in my journal about what I was thinking and feeling and dreaming. I was so expressive....

The key word being "was".

I am not entirely sure what happened but somewhere along the way the blank page was no longer the friendly empty canvas but instead the mocking empty space where my words never seem to come out how I wish.

When I started this blog it was in hopes of recapturing that loss creativity. But today I sat my desk at work and started three different entries. The words aren't coming out....

I think, to be honest, its because I am afraid of saying all I want to say. I can be so very good at being fun and silly and shallow that I am afraid to be anything else.

I am afraid that if I talk about my heart or my dreams or my fears that I will be rejected. That you wont like "that" Jamie.

Insecurities are funny that way.

But who am I really writing for? Who am I afraid of?

The truth is I need to write like I need to breathe. I need an outlet, a place to express and explore what I am feeling and seeing.

I think sometimes I may have to write what is on my heart if it it doesn't tell the best story.

I am learning that I don't need to write so that you understand me, I need to write so that I understand myself....

2004-09-13T09:23:00.001-05:00

My friends Racheal and Maren recently posted about hope on their blog.

http://www.rachelmaren.blogspot.com/ You should check out what they have to say on the topic..

I have also been thinking about hope lately.

I think I feel more hopeless for others then even myself sometimes.

To be honest I had been overwhelmed in ministry and teetering on giving up.

It just began to feel like everything was so very hopeless, and no one was ever going to change.

I became so pessimistic, and I was so frustrated...

and it made me feel helpless. Like whats the point of ministry and moving down to the bottoms and talking to dancers and druggies and all these people if they arent going to change?

It was the sinking feeling of thinking nothing will get better

Satan was whispering lies and I listening....

and then I realized that my problem was not that someone I care about went back to a life of sin, but that I had little faith because I had little hope.

When I pray to God I often hear scripture as an answer... sometimes I dont even understand what the refrence is, but I know He speaks to me and i know he uses His word to do so.

So when I began to pray about hope I kept hearing Hebrews 11 in my head.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

Ah ha! here is my answer! If I dont hope in God and his promises it is the same as not having faith in him...

If God is big enough to change me and cover my sin, surely he is big enough to do the same for others.

and when I doubt that, it is my Sin against God.

I am denying the power of the cross...

1 Thessalonians 1:3
We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thats what I want for my life... I want to be inspired by the hope in Jesus... Praise God that he uses other people to show us where we are lacking....

and I guess I am just realizing that its in the fire that I see how far away from that I really am
but just realizing it has strengthened my relationship with God so much more...

when I looked up faith and hope in the concordance I saw how hand in hand these two spirital principals are.

and I am no where close to where I should be, just pressing towards the mark has changed me already...

Isaiah 38:18
For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

2 Corinthians 10
15Neither do we go beyond our limits by boasting of work done by others. Our hope is that, as your faith continues to grow, our area of activity among you will greatly expand, so that we can preach the gospel in the regions beyond you. For we do not want to boast about work already done in another man's territory.

Galatians 5:5
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.

Colossians 1
3We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints-- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you.

Colossians 12:2
But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-- 2if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.

1 Thessalonians 5:8
But since we belong to the day, let us be selfcontrolled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.

Titus 1
1Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God's elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness-- faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time, and at his appointed season he brought his word to light through the preaching entrusted to me by the command of God our Savior,

Hebrews 3:6
But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

1 Peter 1:21
Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

2004-09-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am moving October first. I just signed my lease.

Back to the Bottoms. The ghetto you might say.

home sweet home...

Funny thing is, all these people aspire to get OUT of there, and somehow, I keep moving my diva self back down into the slums.

Homeless people, rats, drug dealers and prostitutes... Bring it on. I am not afraid. I can handle.

My sister and I lived in the Bottoms a year and it was relatively calm.

The only traumatic thing that happened occurred because I was trying to be some Christian vigilante. Seriously, there are rules to safety and I broke all of them.

I mentioned this incident briefly in my first post.

It was last fall and it was starting to get cold. There is a bridge on Sullivent that all the homeless people live under, and my friends and I had this great idea late one night to bring them blankets and just talk to them about God and stuff.

So a group of us started walking the 8 or so blocks to the bridge at about 11 at night.

Now for those of you thinking about moving to the ghetto let me just tell you a rule to live by. Nothing good happens outside at dark. Honestly. And no matter how great your intention, you should wait till the morning.

trust me.

Anyways, we get to the bridge and start talking to the homeless people. A car drove by once slowly, then turned around and came back and shot at us. I mean really pointed a gun out the window and shot. We all hit the ground and the most of my group ran like hell towards home while the car turned around and came back for a second round.

I on the other hand was not so smart. I did not run towards home. I was angry. Way angry. In fact I ran into the street and shouted all kinds of nastiness at the car driving away.

I was crying and I think I shouted something along the lines of "What kind of *stupid* *jerk* shots a *stupid* gun at homeless people. You are *really* ridiculous. That is *really* *not nice*. That is *really* wrong. Come back here you *stupid* cowards. "

I may not have used that exact wording but let me tell you I was MAD. My friends Brandon and Tim came to get me in the street. I think the dirty words spewing from my mouth scared them more then then the gun.

We made it home without incident but I learned some valuable lessons I will take to my new house.

First, 11pm is probably not the time for a young woman to be walking the streets downtown. I mean, unless you are trying to solicit someone, stay at home.

Second, Run AWAY from the gun and not towards it.

Third, homeless people are pretty resourceful. They usually have blankets already. They don't need them at 11pm at night and trust me, at 11pm at night God is the LAST thing they want to talk about.

and lastly the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

seriously. thats wisdom people

2004-09-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

Cable is clearly from the devil.

Who else but but the prince of darkness would create 100 stations to satisfy all your carnel craving 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

Love Soap Operas? There's Soap Zone

Food? There's the food network.

History? the History Channel

Music? MTV VH1 CMT

anything you want at the tip of your fingers. Its dangerous.

Luckily I dont have cable or I would never venture outside.

I am not kidding.

I would sit in my house and order take out. I would become friends with the remote and panic if I ever lost my signal. I would wear sweats and eat bon bons and not even care about my nails (and we all know how I care about my nails.)

It wouldnt be pretty people. How do I know? Because my parents have cable, and when I am there I need it like my next fix.

In three days I watched four hours of the Real World marathon.
I watched a whole weeks worth of General Hospital episodes. Thats five hours.
I watched one day in the life of a soap star.
I watch them redecorate eight rooms for 1,000.
I watched a two hour documentry about 9-11.
I watched the MTV awards, and part of the post show.
I watched making of the new partridge family.
And i cant even tell you how many hours I watched of Country Videos or CNN and FOX's coverage of the hurricane.

I didnt go to bed until 5 am because I couldnt convince myself to turn off the tv. Every time I wanted to a new BETTER show came on. It was dangerous.

How much time is wasted in front of the tv?

Even now sitting at my desk I am not thinking about work... Oh No.... I am thinking about how I dont have cable and I will never get to see who the new roommate was on the real world, or the reunion of New Kids On The Block.... I am jonesing man, jonesing I tell you...

Ok deep breaths.

I can NOT have cable. Its clearly from Satan...

2004-09-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

Warning: this may not amuse you as much as it does me

I spent Labor Day Weekend with my parents at their house on the lake. It was uber fun. My best friend from highschool Emily came up too, and we spent the weekend drinking wine and laying by the lake. We talked about our lives today, but we also reminisced about highschool.

if you think I am involved and silly or shallow now you should have seen me then...

I was one of the fortunate people to have had a really awesome Senior year. I'm talking the stuff in sitcoms. My senior year was a cross between Saved By the Bell, Ferris Bueller, and 90210. I am not kidding. Em and I got away with almost anything.

By the time I was a senior, I was an editor of the yearbook, on Student Council, President of Drama Club, President of environmental Club, Vice President of choir, President of Just Say No, On the appeals committee, and cofounder of SOS. I wrote a weekly editorial called "A Students View" for the local paper. I was even elected to Winterfest Court.

So needless to say I was involved. Ridiculously involved. Emily was in just as many activities as me. She was also the other editor of the yearbook, an officer of Student Council and an officer of National Honor Society. She played Varsity Basketball and was also a cofounder of SOS. Em and I were everywhere. We didn't just participate. We made up the rules.

Even though we both took AP classes we hardly went. Although we still did well. Em was even a valedictorian and won the Oxford Cup. We just had to many activities to go to class all the time. And as yearbook editors we had a pass to get out of classes basically whenever we needed. As cofounders of SOS we had meeting with the superintendent and others during the school day. We were busy. Not that we took advantage of the system... That's just why my friend Bhree called me the female Ferris.

We got our girlfriends to rollerblading and ride their bikes to school and in the school the first day of class even though it wasn't allowed (the boys hid and soaked us with water balloons and water guns as we went past).

We had Pajama Ramas.

We carpooled and caravaned to sporting events.

We stole underclassmen lunch tables when we ran out of room at ours.

We started a huge boys verses girls war when we took a friends car keys and hid his car in the janitors parking lot behind the dumpster.

We used a pep assembly to get back at a boy who had dumped Emily by making him into a human sundae.

We helped convince the teacher and the alumni to play us in donkey basketball, and helped convince the gym teachers to let us bring livestock into the gym.

We went to dances, and we went to field parties and we even ran away from the police once or twice. (apparently you aren't allowed to have field parties)

We convinced our school to have a celebrate life day as part of SOS, where the whole school had a half day and only had assemblies and went into small groups where we gave out tee shirts and talked about what was on our minds. We even got the football coach and the teachers to grill hotdogs for lunch and let us have a picnic that day.

We had a good time.

And in my opinion we were pretty nice to everyone. It was all just fun and innocent. The kind of fun that still makes you smile 7 years later. And it wasn't "the greatest time of my life" but good times were had by all. And it still fun, just to sit back and remember with someone who lived it too... So here is to Emily Ballenberger (aka ET aka Donna Maskill) and all our memories... LONG LIVE THE CLASS OF 1997!

2004-09-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

I love my car. I really do.

It is a pink thunderbird

named "tink the pink."

short for "tinkerbell the pink thunderbird."

also known as "the birdie."

when I bought the car I came into the dealership wearing a pink skirt and carrying a pink purse. The car sales looked at me smugly and said did you buy a pink purse to match your pink car.

I looked right back at him and said "No I bought a pink car to match my pink purse"

I love my car

she has a sunroof and her dash is all digital. when you start her it is like firing up a space ship all the lights and the gadgets glowing. oh yeah, its cool.

the seatbelts are automatic too.

I love my car because it makes me feel like a girl. a girl who can get from 0 to 60 in like 8 seconds.

a fast girl in the purest of meaning.

apparently it has a V6 and duel exahust.

but did I mention its pink. bright Fushia pink. Like the color of my favorite Estee Lauder lipgloss pink.

Oh Ive had cars before.

there was my first car Queen Vic the crown victorian.

And vinnie2 the volvo

and subie the suburu

and rex the crx

and vertie the lebaron convertible.

and my last car which I just called stupid crappy piece of poo I hate you car

but none of them hold a candle to my new love tink the pink.

what do you drive?

2004-09-02T12:22:00.000-05:00

This was from an Old post I did on the Swoony Girl Board.....

"On the day that you were born, you were dumped in a field and left to die, unwanted.But I came by and saw you there, kicking helplessly about in yourown blood. As you lay there I said "Live!" and I helped you thrive like a plant in the field.

You grew up and became a beautiful jewel. Your breast became full and your hair grew, though you werestill naked. And when I passed by and saw you again you were old enough to be married. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine

Then I bathed you and washed off your blood, and I rubbed fragrant oils into your skin. I gave you expensive clothing made out of fine silk and linen, beautifully embroidered, and sandals made of fine leather. I gave you lovely jewelry, bracelets, and beautiful necklaces, a ring for your nose and earrings for your ears and a lovely crown for your head. And so you were made beautiful with gold and silver. You ate the finest of foods-fine flour, honey, and olive oil and became more beautiful than ever.

YOU LOOKED LIKE A QUEEN AND SO YOU WERE.

Your fame soon spread throughout the world on account of your great beauty, because the splendor I bestowed on you perfected your beauty, says the sovereign Lord. But you thought you could get along without me so you trusted instead in your beauty and fame. You gave yourself as a prostitute to every man who came along. Your beauty was theirs for the asking.

You used the lovely things I gave you to make shrines for idols..."

Ezekiel 16:5-16

I love being a woman. I love jewelry and clothes and high heels and long hair and curves. I love pink and glitter and purses and nailpolish. I love crying at sappy commercials and covering my eyes at scary movies. I love being feminine. That is why the world thinks I am a woman.

But that isn’t who I am. I am Gods. I am HIS bride, HIS love, HIS queen. The beauty or splendor I may have only comes because HE perfected it. He has made me beautiful because he lavished me withHis love. That is what makes me a woman.

Now I must choose to return that same devotion or walk away. God isn’t forcing us to love Him; He is standing with open arms begging us to choose him. When we choose our own flesh we commit adulteryagainst the Lord. We don’t just make Him angry, we break his heart.

I want to love the Lord. He has called me by name and I am His. I want my deepest desire to be for Him. I want to hunger for Him. I dont want to choose this world over Him. I want HIM to seduce me with His words. Woo me with His character. Reveal Himself to me.

2004-09-02T08:35:00.000-05:00

Well Hello there! I was wondering if you could explain the hair flip to the blog world with bionic man slo-mo accuracy...
# posted by little miss : 9:34 PM

Well I am so glad you asked

The hair flip is an essential form of communication dear friends.

One toss of the hair can suggest so many things….

It can mean “I’m better than you”

It can mean “I’m leaving”

It can mean “I’m too cute”

It can mean “Clearly I am right”

It can mean “Whatever”

It can mean “I’m so not listening”

Really the possibilities are endless

The trick to a good hair toss is getting some air under hair so it appears to float back over your shoulder. This can be done with a quick snap of the head or a flick of the hand. It is much more effective when followed by a quick turn and exit or a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

Try it today, it could change your way of communication forever

2004-09-01T14:01:00.000-05:00

I am a walking afterschool special.

A tornado. A train wreck. A volcanco.

One moment everything is going along great.

Its peaceful, the birds are singing, and then BLAM! Out of no where all this chaos happens.

Really, I am not exaggerating, although I tend to do that.

Not only am I chaos waiting to happen, I suck others into my vortex...Ask anyone who knows me.

They will all have a special "Jamie" story....

remember when we were with Jamie helping the homeless and thoes men drove by and shot at us ... remember when Jamie saw that woman get hit by bus... remember when the UPS truck crashed into Jamies front yard... remember when Jamie and I were in the parking lot behind a car and all of a sudden a van stopped and people got out and started hitting the car with baseball bats.... remember when Jamie accidently drove her 1983 rusty Honda in a classic car parade while playing garth brooks on the radio....

I'm not kidding people. That is a day in the life of my afterschool special.

So I have been inspired by the many who have come before me to write my own blog.

Im not sure what it will be about, because I am never sure what is going to happen. Somedays I am deep and thoughtful and have much to say about the mysteries of the world and of God, somedays I am silly and shallow and I just want to talk about shoes and decorating, somedays are peaceful and calm, and them BLAM!

You will start to understand my life as an afterschool special.